First off, Cheryl, my dear. It is simply because Rae is your middle name that I use it. Because you shaped who I am a lot, even if we did kinda fall out for a few years. And I thought it sounded good next to Jennie. Thus, Jennie Rae. And Urban just came because I needed a last name, and it sounded good.
Second, I did not get rained out of the PYO. I was in the field - yuck! And it's a split shift, so I have to go back in half an hour - double yuck! And I did not get to have my chat with God. So that'll have to happen another day.
Until then, happy Canada day tomorrow, peeps! I don't think I'll be posting tomorrow, because I'll be tired from working booth (meaning PYO, only not in the field), and it'll be busy as long as we don't get rained out.
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
30 June 2009
29 June 2009
Deep thoughts and insights (don't expect this to happen too often)
Today was a bit of a bust. I went shopping for a pair of black beach shorts, a pair of denim capris and a pair of khaki capris. (Wow, khaki is a hard word to type.) I bought a dress and a sweater. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!? This is not the way it goes sometimes, no, it is the way it always goes. This is how I shoppe. I need skirts, I buy pants. I need sweaters, I buy t-shirts. I need shorts, I buy dresses. ARGH!! So frustrating.
But, I did go to Wilson & Lee, which is possibly the bestest music store in existance. I bought harder Phantom of the Opera music, because I was sick of playing the easy stuff I had. I also bought a song called "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. It's pretty much the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time. I shall post the first verse, just because I don't feel like typing up the whole thing, but I want to share part of it. The first verse goes thus:
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance.
So, I've basically been denying God since August. And for ten months I've been unhappy and tired and lonely. I've been longing to feel God, but he hasn't been giving me what I wanted. I wanted Geoffrey back. But that's never going to happen. I have to believe. I've been hearing him calling out to me for a while now (and yeah, Kara, I guess you were right, even though I hate to admit it), and it's been all me trying to shut him out. I was angry, and I was hurt. But I guess that every relationship has those rocky bits. This has been mine with God. This year has been utter crap. Not only did I have to deal with losing Geoffrey, but I also had to deal with almost losing Crystal. Everyone says, "Wouldn't it be great if we could be the reason that someone didn't commit suicide?" And that's a noble thought, to be sure. But when you're actually in the situation, with one of your best friends, it's not so great. When your best friend tells you she's done, and wants out, and that if you weren't there she would have jumped off the bridge, you think, Why didn't I notice something earlier? Why didn't I see this coming? After all, I knew she was in and out of guidance all the time, and that the guidance counsellors took her to see doctors and everything. But when she told me that, my life stopped, and I focussed all my energy on keeping her life as live-able as possible. It was hard.
And I had my own difficulties on top of that - Geoffrey, first and foremost, but I wasn't exactly the cheery, bubbly girl I usually am, and I think that if I'd gone to see a doctor, they'd have put me on happy pills. I was afraid of being put on happy pills, so I faked like I was happy, and hated anyone who saw through it. And I pushed God away from me.
I'm not going to say that was a mistake. I needed time on my own, and just then I couldn't (and still and having a hard time with) talk(ing) to God. He was too big, too distant, and he couldn't love me, or else Geoffrey wouldn't be dead now. But maybe, just maybe, I need to talk things over with him.
So, if I end up getting rained out of the pick your own (PYO) tomorrow (which I probably will) God and I shall have a little chat. I shall tell you how it goes. I don't expect to get right back on track with where I was with God at the beginning of August, or anything, being best friends and all. But I think it's time to forgive and move on. I've learned my lesson, I've had my being ripped in two and put back together again in a very different way, and I think it's time that I tried to talk to God again. However, I've said this before, and it never amounted to anything.
I think, above all, I'm scared.
On a happier note, the PYO is now open, and so hopefully I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer there, and I shall be one happy camper. Except I shan't be a camper, because I can't afford to take time off to go camping. But I shall be happy, nonetheless.
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
But, I did go to Wilson & Lee, which is possibly the bestest music store in existance. I bought harder Phantom of the Opera music, because I was sick of playing the easy stuff I had. I also bought a song called "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. It's pretty much the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time. I shall post the first verse, just because I don't feel like typing up the whole thing, but I want to share part of it. The first verse goes thus:
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance.
So, I've basically been denying God since August. And for ten months I've been unhappy and tired and lonely. I've been longing to feel God, but he hasn't been giving me what I wanted. I wanted Geoffrey back. But that's never going to happen. I have to believe. I've been hearing him calling out to me for a while now (and yeah, Kara, I guess you were right, even though I hate to admit it), and it's been all me trying to shut him out. I was angry, and I was hurt. But I guess that every relationship has those rocky bits. This has been mine with God. This year has been utter crap. Not only did I have to deal with losing Geoffrey, but I also had to deal with almost losing Crystal. Everyone says, "Wouldn't it be great if we could be the reason that someone didn't commit suicide?" And that's a noble thought, to be sure. But when you're actually in the situation, with one of your best friends, it's not so great. When your best friend tells you she's done, and wants out, and that if you weren't there she would have jumped off the bridge, you think, Why didn't I notice something earlier? Why didn't I see this coming? After all, I knew she was in and out of guidance all the time, and that the guidance counsellors took her to see doctors and everything. But when she told me that, my life stopped, and I focussed all my energy on keeping her life as live-able as possible. It was hard.
And I had my own difficulties on top of that - Geoffrey, first and foremost, but I wasn't exactly the cheery, bubbly girl I usually am, and I think that if I'd gone to see a doctor, they'd have put me on happy pills. I was afraid of being put on happy pills, so I faked like I was happy, and hated anyone who saw through it. And I pushed God away from me.
I'm not going to say that was a mistake. I needed time on my own, and just then I couldn't (and still and having a hard time with) talk(ing) to God. He was too big, too distant, and he couldn't love me, or else Geoffrey wouldn't be dead now. But maybe, just maybe, I need to talk things over with him.
So, if I end up getting rained out of the pick your own (PYO) tomorrow (which I probably will) God and I shall have a little chat. I shall tell you how it goes. I don't expect to get right back on track with where I was with God at the beginning of August, or anything, being best friends and all. But I think it's time to forgive and move on. I've learned my lesson, I've had my being ripped in two and put back together again in a very different way, and I think it's time that I tried to talk to God again. However, I've said this before, and it never amounted to anything.
I think, above all, I'm scared.
On a happier note, the PYO is now open, and so hopefully I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer there, and I shall be one happy camper. Except I shan't be a camper, because I can't afford to take time off to go camping. But I shall be happy, nonetheless.
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
28 June 2009
A partidge in a pear tree!
So yeah, I had typed up most of what I was going to say, and then my whole post disappeared. Not happy.
And now I'm too tired really to post anything. I was reading about making money off of publishing ads, but I think I won't do that until I get my own place - because they have to call you and have to mail you stuff, and I don't really feel like explaining it all to my parents. Not that I think they'd care, I just don't think I really want to.
Anway, tomorrow is my day off, and I'm going shopping with my mommy in Toronto! Capris and shorts. Maybe I can get a new sundress, and perhaps some new sheet music, too. I want to learn music that I like, not what my teacher wants me to play. Because, I'm not taking lessons anymore! It's such a weird feeling, that I only have to see Margrit once more, and then I don't ever have to see her again, if I don't want to. I just have to drop off her books again, and then I never have to see her again! It's so weird. I've been going to her every Monday after school for so long, it's hard to imagine a school year without having to practise every day. Not that I think I'll miss it.
I realised not too long ago, that I never actually played the piano for me. I wanted to start because my sisters did, and I kept going because my parents wanted me to get my grade eight. I think there were really only two years that I really enjoyed playing. I mean, there are still pieces that I love to play, and I simply adore pianos in general, but I only really enjoyed playing the RCM pieces in grade six and seven. Piano, not school. But now I'm done.
And I'm done blogging for today, too.
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
And now I'm too tired really to post anything. I was reading about making money off of publishing ads, but I think I won't do that until I get my own place - because they have to call you and have to mail you stuff, and I don't really feel like explaining it all to my parents. Not that I think they'd care, I just don't think I really want to.
Anway, tomorrow is my day off, and I'm going shopping with my mommy in Toronto! Capris and shorts. Maybe I can get a new sundress, and perhaps some new sheet music, too. I want to learn music that I like, not what my teacher wants me to play. Because, I'm not taking lessons anymore! It's such a weird feeling, that I only have to see Margrit once more, and then I don't ever have to see her again, if I don't want to. I just have to drop off her books again, and then I never have to see her again! It's so weird. I've been going to her every Monday after school for so long, it's hard to imagine a school year without having to practise every day. Not that I think I'll miss it.
I realised not too long ago, that I never actually played the piano for me. I wanted to start because my sisters did, and I kept going because my parents wanted me to get my grade eight. I think there were really only two years that I really enjoyed playing. I mean, there are still pieces that I love to play, and I simply adore pianos in general, but I only really enjoyed playing the RCM pieces in grade six and seven. Piano, not school. But now I'm done.
And I'm done blogging for today, too.
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
26 June 2009
A Purple Tortoise
So...
Finished.work. Finally. Long.day. I.didn't.know.I.was.working.yesterday.so.I.had.to.come.in.today,instead. And.I.felt.really.stupid,'cause.I.was.looking.at.the.wrong.number.
and.thought.I.had.almost.nine.hundred.too.many.dollars. Argh.
John.Green.from.(yes.)the.vlogbrothers.talks.so.fast. I think he'd be perfect for Erin, because she talks fast, too. Nevermind the fact that he's like 15 years older than her, they'd still be perfect for each other. Not that I'm obsessed with the vlogbrothers, but I'm kind of obsessed with the vlogbrothers. (Here's a good video I like, too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Gf69J1Go98&feature=channel)
Aside from that, not much interesting to rant about today, because I'm very tired. But Allison's party yesterday was a success, even if it was two months late. Happy sixteenth, Allison!!
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
Pee Ess. Apparently I should read my comments before I go ahead and publish.
Sarah, apparently I'm just behind the times. But thanks for liking my video. Why didn't I know you were back from the magical and phantasmagorical land of campout? Can I call you tonight?
And Allison, when you're done Tithe, there's actually two more books, and I hate to tell you, but it is a series! The second one is Valiant, and the third is Ironside. I'm reading Ironside, and I think it'd make more sense if I'd read Tithe and Valiant. But still, Holly Black is one of my new favourites. As well as Dracula and vlogbrothers. And not Hugh Jackman.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, GO TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARAY, CHECK OUT DRACULA BY BRAM STOKER, ANY HOLLY BLACK BOOKS AND THE MOVIE VAN HELSING. Also, go to youtube.com and search up vlogbrothers and Nosferatu. DISCLAIMER: Nosferatu is not for the faint of heart. I nearly bit my thumb off, because I bite fingers when I'm scared.
Now,
DFTBA for real,
Jennie.Rae
Finished.work. Finally. Long.day. I.didn't.know.I.was.working.yesterday.so.I.had.to.come.in.today,instead. And.I.felt.really.stupid,'cause.I.was.looking.at.the.wrong.number.
and.thought.I.had.almost.nine.hundred.too.many.dollars. Argh.
John.Green.from.(yes.)the.vlogbrothers.talks.so.fast. I think he'd be perfect for Erin, because she talks fast, too. Nevermind the fact that he's like 15 years older than her, they'd still be perfect for each other. Not that I'm obsessed with the vlogbrothers, but I'm kind of obsessed with the vlogbrothers. (Here's a good video I like, too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Gf69J1Go98&feature=channel)
Aside from that, not much interesting to rant about today, because I'm very tired. But Allison's party yesterday was a success, even if it was two months late. Happy sixteenth, Allison!!
DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae
Pee Ess. Apparently I should read my comments before I go ahead and publish.
Sarah, apparently I'm just behind the times. But thanks for liking my video. Why didn't I know you were back from the magical and phantasmagorical land of campout? Can I call you tonight?
And Allison, when you're done Tithe, there's actually two more books, and I hate to tell you, but it is a series! The second one is Valiant, and the third is Ironside. I'm reading Ironside, and I think it'd make more sense if I'd read Tithe and Valiant. But still, Holly Black is one of my new favourites. As well as Dracula and vlogbrothers. And not Hugh Jackman.
For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, GO TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARAY, CHECK OUT DRACULA BY BRAM STOKER, ANY HOLLY BLACK BOOKS AND THE MOVIE VAN HELSING. Also, go to youtube.com and search up vlogbrothers and Nosferatu. DISCLAIMER: Nosferatu is not for the faint of heart. I nearly bit my thumb off, because I bite fingers when I'm scared.
Now,
DFTBA for real,
Jennie.Rae
24 June 2009
Eh heh, Pretty much forgot something.
Yes. Something both forgotten and stolen.
Don't forget to be awesome. (DFTBA)
Pretty much vlogbrothers (Hank and John Green) are my new favourites.
You should subscribe to them on youtube.
DfTBA,
Just.Jennie.
Don't forget to be awesome. (DFTBA)
Pretty much vlogbrothers (Hank and John Green) are my new favourites.
You should subscribe to them on youtube.
DfTBA,
Just.Jennie.
Rule Number One, vlogbrothers, and periods, among other things.
So, my first blog since my last one utterly failed.
You'll have to excuse the random-ness and sarcasm. Also, I'm in love with commas and periods. So beware. I.sometimes.like.to.separate.my.words.using.periods.instead.of.spaces.
And it's hard to spell like that.
Anyway, just so y'all know (and no, I'm not from the south. The south of Canada, yes. But I don't talk like that in real life. Whatever that pesky thing is.) this may fail utterly, too. I have yet to learn the art of seeing the future, so I can't really tell you.
Rule number one: "Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling old men." Yep. And it's true. If any of you have ever read "Theif of Time", you'd know. And you'd also know what rule ninteen is, which I'm not going to tell you, because if you really want to know, then you'll have to read the book yourself. Or else, you could just google "rule ninteen" and I'm sure you'd get a whole lot of interesting results.
I suppose, if anyone ever actually reads this, you'll want to know something about me. Well, you're just gonna have to keep reading, and keep guessing, because I believe that any good writer never tells, she shows. I like to imagine I'm a good writer, so keep.reading.and.hope.you.enjoy.
Haha,you.thought.I.was.done,didn't.you? Well,I.actually.thought.that.maybe.I.ought.to.actually.talk.about.somthing.real. I.really.have.no.idea.what.to.talk.about,so.I.decided.to.tell.y'all.about.this.video.blog.I.found.
today.which,coincidentally.is.the.inspiration.for.this.blog. It's.two.brothers.and.they.blog.together.so.they.can.still.see.each.other.when.they.live.across.
the.country.from.each.other. Rambling.about.nothing.is.fun. Hank.just.got.his.ears.flushed.and.
video-taped.it. Pretty.much.hilarious. Kinda.gross,but.when.you're.me,it's.not.too.bad. You.should.be.glad.that.you're.not.me.
Coincidentally.it's.getting.a.whole.lot.easier.to.type.like.this. And.here's.a.link.for.you,Sarah.'cause.apparently.Hank's.just.as.obsessed.with.Harry.Potter.as.
you.are. It's.from.July.18th. He's.actually.really.in.tune.with.the.story.line. And.a.really.good.singer. He's.got.some.good.theories,most.of.which.are.actually.correct.but.no.one.really.came.up.with.
them.until.after.the.book.was.out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA
There.ya.go. And.now.I.have.to.get.you.to.read.this.just.so.you'll.see.that.
And now I'm done, both with the periods, and with this blog
Talk t'y'all later!
Just.Jennie.
Pee Ess, I know that I said I was done with periods, but ah, well, I lied.
You'll have to excuse the random-ness and sarcasm. Also, I'm in love with commas and periods. So beware. I.sometimes.like.to.separate.my.words.using.periods.instead.of.spaces.
And it's hard to spell like that.
Anyway, just so y'all know (and no, I'm not from the south. The south of Canada, yes. But I don't talk like that in real life. Whatever that pesky thing is.) this may fail utterly, too. I have yet to learn the art of seeing the future, so I can't really tell you.
Rule number one: "Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling old men." Yep. And it's true. If any of you have ever read "Theif of Time", you'd know. And you'd also know what rule ninteen is, which I'm not going to tell you, because if you really want to know, then you'll have to read the book yourself. Or else, you could just google "rule ninteen" and I'm sure you'd get a whole lot of interesting results.
I suppose, if anyone ever actually reads this, you'll want to know something about me. Well, you're just gonna have to keep reading, and keep guessing, because I believe that any good writer never tells, she shows. I like to imagine I'm a good writer, so keep.reading.and.hope.you.enjoy.
Haha,you.thought.I.was.done,didn't.you? Well,I.actually.thought.that.maybe.I.ought.to.actually.talk.about.somthing.real. I.really.have.no.idea.what.to.talk.about,so.I.decided.to.tell.y'all.about.this.video.blog.I.found.
today.which,coincidentally.is.the.inspiration.for.this.blog. It's.two.brothers.and.they.blog.together.so.they.can.still.see.each.other.when.they.live.across.
the.country.from.each.other. Rambling.about.nothing.is.fun. Hank.just.got.his.ears.flushed.and.
video-taped.it. Pretty.much.hilarious. Kinda.gross,but.when.you're.me,it's.not.too.bad. You.should.be.glad.that.you're.not.me.
Coincidentally.it's.getting.a.whole.lot.easier.to.type.like.this. And.here's.a.link.for.you,Sarah.'cause.apparently.Hank's.just.as.obsessed.with.Harry.Potter.as.
you.are. It's.from.July.18th. He's.actually.really.in.tune.with.the.story.line. And.a.really.good.singer. He's.got.some.good.theories,most.of.which.are.actually.correct.but.no.one.really.came.up.with.
them.until.after.the.book.was.out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA
There.ya.go. And.now.I.have.to.get.you.to.read.this.just.so.you'll.see.that.
And now I'm done, both with the periods, and with this blog
Talk t'y'all later!
Just.Jennie.
Pee Ess, I know that I said I was done with periods, but ah, well, I lied.
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