Deep thoughts and insights (don't expect this to happen too often)

Today was a bit of a bust. I went shopping for a pair of black beach shorts, a pair of denim capris and a pair of khaki capris. (Wow, khaki is a hard word to type.) I bought a dress and a sweater. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!? This is not the way it goes sometimes, no, it is the way it always goes. This is how I shoppe. I need skirts, I buy pants. I need sweaters, I buy t-shirts. I need shorts, I buy dresses. ARGH!! So frustrating.

But, I did go to Wilson & Lee, which is possibly the bestest music store in existance. I bought harder Phantom of the Opera music, because I was sick of playing the easy stuff I had. I also bought a song called "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. It's pretty much the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time. I shall post the first verse, just because I don't feel like typing up the whole thing, but I want to share part of it. The first verse goes thus:

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance.

So, I've basically been denying God since August. And for ten months I've been unhappy and tired and lonely. I've been longing to feel God, but he hasn't been giving me what I wanted. I wanted Geoffrey back. But that's never going to happen. I have to believe. I've been hearing him calling out to me for a while now (and yeah, Kara, I guess you were right, even though I hate to admit it), and it's been all me trying to shut him out. I was angry, and I was hurt. But I guess that every relationship has those rocky bits. This has been mine with God. This year has been utter crap. Not only did I have to deal with losing Geoffrey, but I also had to deal with almost losing Crystal. Everyone says, "Wouldn't it be great if we could be the reason that someone didn't commit suicide?" And that's a noble thought, to be sure. But when you're actually in the situation, with one of your best friends, it's not so great. When your best friend tells you she's done, and wants out, and that if you weren't there she would have jumped off the bridge, you think, Why didn't I notice something earlier? Why didn't I see this coming? After all, I knew she was in and out of guidance all the time, and that the guidance counsellors took her to see doctors and everything. But when she told me that, my life stopped, and I focussed all my energy on keeping her life as live-able as possible. It was hard.

And I had my own difficulties on top of that - Geoffrey, first and foremost, but I wasn't exactly the cheery, bubbly girl I usually am, and I think that if I'd gone to see a doctor, they'd have put me on happy pills. I was afraid of being put on happy pills, so I faked like I was happy, and hated anyone who saw through it. And I pushed God away from me.

I'm not going to say that was a mistake. I needed time on my own, and just then I couldn't (and still and having a hard time with) talk(ing) to God. He was too big, too distant, and he couldn't love me, or else Geoffrey wouldn't be dead now. But maybe, just maybe, I need to talk things over with him.

So, if I end up getting rained out of the pick your own (PYO) tomorrow (which I probably will) God and I shall have a little chat. I shall tell you how it goes. I don't expect to get right back on track with where I was with God at the beginning of August, or anything, being best friends and all. But I think it's time to forgive and move on. I've learned my lesson, I've had my being ripped in two and put back together again in a very different way, and I think it's time that I tried to talk to God again. However, I've said this before, and it never amounted to anything.

I think, above all, I'm scared.

On a happier note, the PYO is now open, and so hopefully I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer there, and I shall be one happy camper. Except I shan't be a camper, because I can't afford to take time off to go camping. But I shall be happy, nonetheless.

DFTBA,

Jennie.Rae