I lack both the energy and the willpower to come up with something witty today.

Oh, wow. I got up this morning, a little confused (the Radish and Allison were both dead in my dream last night, and I spent most of the night dreaming I was crying) but feeling pretty good about the day. I didn't think that it would end in tears.

Let me explain.

As I'm sure all of you know, Geoffrey died last August. I have dedicated 11:11 every day, at least once, sometimes (if I see it) twice to thinking about him, because before he died, that was always my wish: that he would get better. And then, a long time after he died, I decided that my wish did come true - in a left-handed way. He's not suffering anymore, and no one could say he'd be better off here than in Heaven. But I realized, today, that that doesn't matter to me - I still want him here. And I know that's very selfish of me. But some days I just need to be selfish. And yeah, I know that you could say that I've spent the evening having a pity party, but some days I need that, too.

I watched So You Think You Can Dance. There was one dance, it was about breast cancer, and I bawled. And that's what made me cry.

Sometimes I'm so cheery that I even make myself sick.

I know this guy. I'm not going to say who he is, or where I know him from. I'd really like to be better friends with him, although I think that is going to be very hard - the environment I usually see him in is very... fierce. Any softness is mocked, and any genuine caring is scoffed. I am terrified of being made fun of, and this guy is sometimes seen as kind of... stupid, although I prefer to think of it as Artist's Syndrome - scatterbrained.

That in and of itself is not the issue. That's all background information. The issue is, every time I spend time with him, I leave thinking about Geoffrey. Like I can't be friends with another guy (the Cherd discluded, because I was already friends with him) without somehow letting Geoffrey down. But that's stupid, because (a) Geoffrey would never even think to try to limit who I can be friends with, (b) if anything, Geoffrey would want me to have more friends, and (c) there is no limit to how much love you can feel. It's not as though you're given one set amount of love for your lifetime, and when you start to love someone new, you have to love someone you already love less. It doesn't work that way. When you start to love someone new, your "love quota" grows.

But I need, somehow, to figure out who I am, and how I'm changed because I knew and lost Geoffrey before I can even think about even the immediate future. I'm trying to decide what I want to go to school for. I could do anything I liked. I have the brains, and I have the willpower (most days). So that doesn't help. I have to decide who I am, and what I want my personal life to look like before I can decide what I want to do with my education and my future career.

I don't like letting go like that. It may take me years to figure out who I am. I like being in control of who I am, and I like to know what I want from myself and others. But if it takes me years to figure out who I am by myself, then I'll wait that long before I try to figure out who I'll be when/if I find someone else to add to myself to make into two complete people. I have to learn to love myself before I can learn to love anyone new. Before I can love myself, I have to know who my "self" is.

I really don't know if any of that made any sense whatsoever. And I apologise for not blogging in so long (even though for anyone else, it wasn't that long at all). I've been really lazy when not at work, and even though that's not an excuse, it's all I've got.

Tomorrow, I shall hopefully be able to post a link to Allison's and my webcomic, For Shiro, on DeviantArt (it has to be tomorrow, because the first strip is not even planned out yet, let alone drawn). In the meantime, I hope y'all have a good evening, and a great tomorrow.

Thanks for being made of magic and awesome, y'all.

Jennie.Rae