I got my G2 yesterday. That means that while there's still restrictions on me, I'm allowed to drive by myself and on highways, which is pretty super awesome. I went out driving last night with Allison and Richard, and I didn't kill anyone or hit anything or get hopelessly lost. :D This is good!
But this is also scary for me. Do you know how easy it'd be for me to get in the car and just drive away? If I trusted Darlene, my darling '89 Sunbird, a little more, I just might do that. As it stands, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, with good reason, so I'm staying put for now.
Don't think the temptation isn't there, though! I've been really restless lately, and by lately I mean for the last year and a half or so. I keep telling myself that I can leave my life behind, but I can't leave myself behind, and that helps a bit, but still I want to get away. How expensive is a plane ticket to Heathrow, after all? I have the money - my university fund - and I have the means to get to the airport, now. THIS IS NOT GOOD!!
Oh self-control. I never was much good at it.
DFTBA,
JR
29 July 2010
27 July 2010
And although I am weak, I am virtually unique, and I won’t be here for long – Tom Milsom
I've been thinking about boys and love and sex and relationships and how they change your or don't change you a lot lately. Maybe this is my teenage girl, hormone-ridden body thinking, rather than the rational, human part of my brain, but I think I've got some insights to share. Or just some questions to puzzle over together.
First: boyzzz. There are a few boys in particular that I've been thinking about quite a lot this summer. Two are boys from work, one is a boy who is fairly famous on YouTube and the last is a boy that I met recently on the Ning Chat (nerdfighter thing...if you're not a nerdfighter, I don't expect you to understand what that is, but suffice it to say, we met on the internet).
The two boys from work are brothers, and sometimes I hate the younger one - the one who is my age - and I usually figure he hates me. His older brother, on the other hand - may the record state that I've had a huge crush on him since we met four years ago. And now that he's single, I've been trying to decide if I want to persue a relationship with him, or if I just want to continue to admire him from afar. The problem is, the rest of the people we work with think he's rather dumb and not even that nice to be around. I think that he's really smart, if a little scatterbrained, and really fun. But there's always the question of his family... namely, two of his three brothers, whom I cannot stand. The older one creeps me out, and the younger one, as I've said, doesn't like me much.
Then there's the semi-famous boy. I wrote a novella, I guess it'd be, about his album, and then I sent it to him. Asked him to read it and critique it. And then I freaked out, because it's like I sent a piece of my soul to a complete stranger! That was about a week ago, and I haven't heard back from him, other than to say that he'd read it. And I feel like one of two things could happen: 1) we could become friends, and I'd fly out to meet him and we'd become epic best friends, or 2) he forgets to read it and I'm left hanging, but really no worse off than I started. I can't decide which I'd rather happen.
And, last but certainly not least, the boy from the Ning. I met him about a week ago, and maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I feel like I've known him all my life. I don't know anything about his friends, his school, his interests, or really any of his real life. But of all the people I've met on the internet, I've told him my real name and talked to him the most. I'm currently writing a story for him, for no reason at all. Also, he's Scottish. Scottish accents are retardedly sexy. :D
I guess you could say that my mind has been bouncing back and forth this summer, trying to figure out how exactly I love all these boys (except the one I can't stand, of course). Because I do love them all, in one way or another. The YouTuber is HAWT! And he's a great musician. The boy from work is really nice, and also a great musician. I know him fairly well, now, and the only time we've fought was over whether the word "cool" is an adjective or an adverb. The boy from the Ning is frikken' intriguing.
As for sex: I stumbled upon a discussion on the Ning about virginity, and I've been trying to figure out what exactly I believe about virginity, especially mine. I've read a lot of different opinions, and a lot of them make a lot of sense. The easy, Christian answer that all my RealLife friends expect me to give is that virginity is something that should stay intact until your wedding night, and anything else is a sin. Sex is something that only happens between a married couple. And while I can see that that makes sense, and I believe that sex is sacred and should only be shared with one person, I also see sense in another argument. Say I've been with a boy for, say, a year and a half, we're committed to each other, and we both love each other. There is no reason to see that we won't get married, we're just not ready to do so yet, for whatever reason. Then, how is it horribly wrong to have sex? I don't mean that I'd go and plan a "perfect evening" to lose my virginity, but if it happens - so what?
These are, of course, merely theories. Owing to my slightly asexual nature, I'll probably not get the chance to put any of them to the test any time in the foreseeable future. For example: my boss figures that when I go away to university I'm going to become a raging alcoholic and a lesbian. Yes. I'm sure that's exactly what's going to happen. (<-- heavy sarcasm)
Finally, relationships: In my last blog, I talked about masks, and how I have no idea who I am under all my masks, only that I am somewhere under there. I think that relationships are a continuation of that same idea. I put on a mask that I think that my parents will like, and call that "who I am when my parents are around". I put on that mask because I want them to like me. When I'm around the boy from work, the one I'm a little bit (okay, a lot) interested in, I put on another mask, one that I think he'll like, because I want him to like me. I play up some masks, and take other masks off, depending on who I'm with. And how does that help me to truly know who I am, underneath the masks? If anything, it makes it harder. If I was truly serious about my quest to understand identity, I'd run away to a mountain somewhere and try to isolate myself from all the things that make me want to wear a mask. But that ain't happening any time soon - I already paid $700 to live in residence at Carleton next year. XP
On a different note, but still about relationships: I read a blog post on the Ning today, and I don't remember whose it was or I'd link (maybe I'll come back and add the link to the end) but she was talking about how she didn't like what her friend said about relationships: that they provide stability. And I see where she's coming from - once you start viewing your partner as someone just to provide stability, you stop viewing him/her as a person. But relationships can provide stability. You work out a schedule that works together. For instance, if I were to date someone on the internet, I'd set up a time and day at least once a week when we could talk, just the two of us, and then structure my schedule around that. That provides stability. A certain amount of my time always goes to that other person, and I can count on that happening.
I don't know if any of what I just typed makes any sense. In fact, it probably doesn't. It's well past 10:00 pm, and I've had a long day, so I'm tired. I really oughta write these things in the afternoon when I still have energy!
DFTBA,
JR
First: boyzzz. There are a few boys in particular that I've been thinking about quite a lot this summer. Two are boys from work, one is a boy who is fairly famous on YouTube and the last is a boy that I met recently on the Ning Chat (nerdfighter thing...if you're not a nerdfighter, I don't expect you to understand what that is, but suffice it to say, we met on the internet).
The two boys from work are brothers, and sometimes I hate the younger one - the one who is my age - and I usually figure he hates me. His older brother, on the other hand - may the record state that I've had a huge crush on him since we met four years ago. And now that he's single, I've been trying to decide if I want to persue a relationship with him, or if I just want to continue to admire him from afar. The problem is, the rest of the people we work with think he's rather dumb and not even that nice to be around. I think that he's really smart, if a little scatterbrained, and really fun. But there's always the question of his family... namely, two of his three brothers, whom I cannot stand. The older one creeps me out, and the younger one, as I've said, doesn't like me much.
Then there's the semi-famous boy. I wrote a novella, I guess it'd be, about his album, and then I sent it to him. Asked him to read it and critique it. And then I freaked out, because it's like I sent a piece of my soul to a complete stranger! That was about a week ago, and I haven't heard back from him, other than to say that he'd read it. And I feel like one of two things could happen: 1) we could become friends, and I'd fly out to meet him and we'd become epic best friends, or 2) he forgets to read it and I'm left hanging, but really no worse off than I started. I can't decide which I'd rather happen.
And, last but certainly not least, the boy from the Ning. I met him about a week ago, and maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I feel like I've known him all my life. I don't know anything about his friends, his school, his interests, or really any of his real life. But of all the people I've met on the internet, I've told him my real name and talked to him the most. I'm currently writing a story for him, for no reason at all. Also, he's Scottish. Scottish accents are retardedly sexy. :D
I guess you could say that my mind has been bouncing back and forth this summer, trying to figure out how exactly I love all these boys (except the one I can't stand, of course). Because I do love them all, in one way or another. The YouTuber is HAWT! And he's a great musician. The boy from work is really nice, and also a great musician. I know him fairly well, now, and the only time we've fought was over whether the word "cool" is an adjective or an adverb. The boy from the Ning is frikken' intriguing.
As for sex: I stumbled upon a discussion on the Ning about virginity, and I've been trying to figure out what exactly I believe about virginity, especially mine. I've read a lot of different opinions, and a lot of them make a lot of sense. The easy, Christian answer that all my RealLife friends expect me to give is that virginity is something that should stay intact until your wedding night, and anything else is a sin. Sex is something that only happens between a married couple. And while I can see that that makes sense, and I believe that sex is sacred and should only be shared with one person, I also see sense in another argument. Say I've been with a boy for, say, a year and a half, we're committed to each other, and we both love each other. There is no reason to see that we won't get married, we're just not ready to do so yet, for whatever reason. Then, how is it horribly wrong to have sex? I don't mean that I'd go and plan a "perfect evening" to lose my virginity, but if it happens - so what?
These are, of course, merely theories. Owing to my slightly asexual nature, I'll probably not get the chance to put any of them to the test any time in the foreseeable future. For example: my boss figures that when I go away to university I'm going to become a raging alcoholic and a lesbian. Yes. I'm sure that's exactly what's going to happen. (<-- heavy sarcasm)
Finally, relationships: In my last blog, I talked about masks, and how I have no idea who I am under all my masks, only that I am somewhere under there. I think that relationships are a continuation of that same idea. I put on a mask that I think that my parents will like, and call that "who I am when my parents are around". I put on that mask because I want them to like me. When I'm around the boy from work, the one I'm a little bit (okay, a lot) interested in, I put on another mask, one that I think he'll like, because I want him to like me. I play up some masks, and take other masks off, depending on who I'm with. And how does that help me to truly know who I am, underneath the masks? If anything, it makes it harder. If I was truly serious about my quest to understand identity, I'd run away to a mountain somewhere and try to isolate myself from all the things that make me want to wear a mask. But that ain't happening any time soon - I already paid $700 to live in residence at Carleton next year. XP
On a different note, but still about relationships: I read a blog post on the Ning today, and I don't remember whose it was or I'd link (maybe I'll come back and add the link to the end) but she was talking about how she didn't like what her friend said about relationships: that they provide stability. And I see where she's coming from - once you start viewing your partner as someone just to provide stability, you stop viewing him/her as a person. But relationships can provide stability. You work out a schedule that works together. For instance, if I were to date someone on the internet, I'd set up a time and day at least once a week when we could talk, just the two of us, and then structure my schedule around that. That provides stability. A certain amount of my time always goes to that other person, and I can count on that happening.
I don't know if any of what I just typed makes any sense. In fact, it probably doesn't. It's well past 10:00 pm, and I've had a long day, so I'm tired. I really oughta write these things in the afternoon when I still have energy!
DFTBA,
JR
25 July 2010
Ramblings from a Sunday Morning
I go by three or four names on the internet and otherwise. One is my real name, one is my pen name, one is the name of the character I role played for the better part of three years, and the last is a character that I wrote about back in grade eight. My email addresses are all some variation of these four names.
So, when I went to log into my gmail this morning, I forgot what my name was. I drew a blank - I couldn't remember the name my parents gave me almost eighteen years ago! Then I remembered, and I felt dumb.
But it got me thinking - what is a name? Is it a label, or is it just a title, or what? Am I somehow different since I started calling myself JR instead of Jennie Rae? Or since I adopted Jennie Rae as my pen name?
I went through a period where I wasn't sure if I could logically believe in the soul. Because basically, everything I am is a mask. Everything I am not is a mask. Everything I like to think is unique to me is just something I saw in someone else and wanted others to see in me. It is the combination of these masks that makes me truly unique. But underneath it all, I am, at the very least, a thinking thing. The same thinking thing I was eighteen years ago, and the same thinking thing I was eighteen seconds ago.
So does it matter if I call myself JR or Jennie Rae? Does it project a different mask? I think it does. It may be minimal, but I think that every mask, no matter how small, makes a difference in how we portray ourselves to the world.
DFTBA,
JR
PostScript: It was seven thirty when I started writing this. I don't usually see this time on a Sunday morning. Please excuse any "not-making-sense" bits.
So, when I went to log into my gmail this morning, I forgot what my name was. I drew a blank - I couldn't remember the name my parents gave me almost eighteen years ago! Then I remembered, and I felt dumb.
But it got me thinking - what is a name? Is it a label, or is it just a title, or what? Am I somehow different since I started calling myself JR instead of Jennie Rae? Or since I adopted Jennie Rae as my pen name?
I went through a period where I wasn't sure if I could logically believe in the soul. Because basically, everything I am is a mask. Everything I am not is a mask. Everything I like to think is unique to me is just something I saw in someone else and wanted others to see in me. It is the combination of these masks that makes me truly unique. But underneath it all, I am, at the very least, a thinking thing. The same thinking thing I was eighteen years ago, and the same thinking thing I was eighteen seconds ago.
So does it matter if I call myself JR or Jennie Rae? Does it project a different mask? I think it does. It may be minimal, but I think that every mask, no matter how small, makes a difference in how we portray ourselves to the world.
DFTBA,
JR
PostScript: It was seven thirty when I started writing this. I don't usually see this time on a Sunday morning. Please excuse any "not-making-sense" bits.
19 July 2010
When it comes to dancing, it doesn't matter what you look like - it's all about the joy you feel. - David Levithan
Dear Interwebs,
I feel I must apologise for my random absences. Life gets so busy, you know? And while I'll never forget you, sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and write about the things happening in my life.
Here's a brief update: I'm going to university. WHAT?
I'm going to join a new vlog, because the last one failed epicly. WHAT?
I'm part of two bands. WHAT?
Well, alright. I'm not totally happy about going to university, although I am glad to be getting out of this small town. Soon I'll be at Carleton University, and I'll be studying Humanities. Which is all fine and dandy, but I'd rather be out exploring and encountering the world than sitting in a dusty classroom discussing things I've never experienced. But I've already paid seven hundred dollars for my residence deposit, so I'm stuck.
Yeah, ONC was a bit of a let down. We weren't committed. I tried to keep everything together, but there's only so much you can do when you're working with six other people, all but one or two of whom are older than you. So we lay the Ontario Nerd Conglomeration to rest, and we start a new vlog. I'm not sure of many specifics, because I'm not actually organising it. I don't know what we're going to call the channel, I don't know about the launch date, or anything like that. I know that the girl organising it is called Heather, and my friend Molly is most likely going to join us. But beyond that, I know as much as you do.
David and the Hamlets is a project that I'm working on with Allison, Molly and Emily (three of my besties). We play shock music (Shakespeare rock!) although currently we only have one and a half songs. Only Molly is really good at writing songs, and there aren't really and shock songs out there yet. I feel like we're pioneers, like Chameleon Circuit with Trock, except that there was already trock music before the name trock was coined. Also, there's McCabestra and the Troubadors (a very tentative name), which happened by accident. It's currently me, my ukulele named George, Sarah, her guitar, and Richard. I don't know if anything will come of either of these bands, but hopefully soon we'll have something recorded and edited and posted on YouTube. I'll make sure I put something up on my channel and the Hamlets' channel when I know what's going on.
And apart from that and a strong desire to buy Alex Day's new album (but not having permission from the parents yet), nothing really is new.
DFTBA,
JR
I feel I must apologise for my random absences. Life gets so busy, you know? And while I'll never forget you, sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and write about the things happening in my life.
Here's a brief update: I'm going to university. WHAT?
I'm going to join a new vlog, because the last one failed epicly. WHAT?
I'm part of two bands. WHAT?
Well, alright. I'm not totally happy about going to university, although I am glad to be getting out of this small town. Soon I'll be at Carleton University, and I'll be studying Humanities. Which is all fine and dandy, but I'd rather be out exploring and encountering the world than sitting in a dusty classroom discussing things I've never experienced. But I've already paid seven hundred dollars for my residence deposit, so I'm stuck.
Yeah, ONC was a bit of a let down. We weren't committed. I tried to keep everything together, but there's only so much you can do when you're working with six other people, all but one or two of whom are older than you. So we lay the Ontario Nerd Conglomeration to rest, and we start a new vlog. I'm not sure of many specifics, because I'm not actually organising it. I don't know what we're going to call the channel, I don't know about the launch date, or anything like that. I know that the girl organising it is called Heather, and my friend Molly is most likely going to join us. But beyond that, I know as much as you do.
David and the Hamlets is a project that I'm working on with Allison, Molly and Emily (three of my besties). We play shock music (Shakespeare rock!) although currently we only have one and a half songs. Only Molly is really good at writing songs, and there aren't really and shock songs out there yet. I feel like we're pioneers, like Chameleon Circuit with Trock, except that there was already trock music before the name trock was coined. Also, there's McCabestra and the Troubadors (a very tentative name), which happened by accident. It's currently me, my ukulele named George, Sarah, her guitar, and Richard. I don't know if anything will come of either of these bands, but hopefully soon we'll have something recorded and edited and posted on YouTube. I'll make sure I put something up on my channel and the Hamlets' channel when I know what's going on.
And apart from that and a strong desire to buy Alex Day's new album (but not having permission from the parents yet), nothing really is new.
DFTBA,
JR
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