I've been thinking about boys and love and sex and relationships and how they change your or don't change you a lot lately. Maybe this is my teenage girl, hormone-ridden body thinking, rather than the rational, human part of my brain, but I think I've got some insights to share. Or just some questions to puzzle over together.
First: boyzzz. There are a few boys in particular that I've been thinking about quite a lot this summer. Two are boys from work, one is a boy who is fairly famous on YouTube and the last is a boy that I met recently on the Ning Chat (nerdfighter thing...if you're not a nerdfighter, I don't expect you to understand what that is, but suffice it to say, we met on the internet).
The two boys from work are brothers, and sometimes I hate the younger one - the one who is my age - and I usually figure he hates me. His older brother, on the other hand - may the record state that I've had a huge crush on him since we met four years ago. And now that he's single, I've been trying to decide if I want to persue a relationship with him, or if I just want to continue to admire him from afar. The problem is, the rest of the people we work with think he's rather dumb and not even that nice to be around. I think that he's really smart, if a little scatterbrained, and really fun. But there's always the question of his family... namely, two of his three brothers, whom I cannot stand. The older one creeps me out, and the younger one, as I've said, doesn't like me much.
Then there's the semi-famous boy. I wrote a novella, I guess it'd be, about his album, and then I sent it to him. Asked him to read it and critique it. And then I freaked out, because it's like I sent a piece of my soul to a complete stranger! That was about a week ago, and I haven't heard back from him, other than to say that he'd read it. And I feel like one of two things could happen: 1) we could become friends, and I'd fly out to meet him and we'd become epic best friends, or 2) he forgets to read it and I'm left hanging, but really no worse off than I started. I can't decide which I'd rather happen.
And, last but certainly not least, the boy from the Ning. I met him about a week ago, and maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I feel like I've known him all my life. I don't know anything about his friends, his school, his interests, or really any of his real life. But of all the people I've met on the internet, I've told him my real name and talked to him the most. I'm currently writing a story for him, for no reason at all. Also, he's Scottish. Scottish accents are retardedly sexy. :D
I guess you could say that my mind has been bouncing back and forth this summer, trying to figure out how exactly I love all these boys (except the one I can't stand, of course). Because I do love them all, in one way or another. The YouTuber is HAWT! And he's a great musician. The boy from work is really nice, and also a great musician. I know him fairly well, now, and the only time we've fought was over whether the word "cool" is an adjective or an adverb. The boy from the Ning is frikken' intriguing.
As for sex: I stumbled upon a discussion on the Ning about virginity, and I've been trying to figure out what exactly I believe about virginity, especially mine. I've read a lot of different opinions, and a lot of them make a lot of sense. The easy, Christian answer that all my RealLife friends expect me to give is that virginity is something that should stay intact until your wedding night, and anything else is a sin. Sex is something that only happens between a married couple. And while I can see that that makes sense, and I believe that sex is sacred and should only be shared with one person, I also see sense in another argument. Say I've been with a boy for, say, a year and a half, we're committed to each other, and we both love each other. There is no reason to see that we won't get married, we're just not ready to do so yet, for whatever reason. Then, how is it horribly wrong to have sex? I don't mean that I'd go and plan a "perfect evening" to lose my virginity, but if it happens - so what?
These are, of course, merely theories. Owing to my slightly asexual nature, I'll probably not get the chance to put any of them to the test any time in the foreseeable future. For example: my boss figures that when I go away to university I'm going to become a raging alcoholic and a lesbian. Yes. I'm sure that's exactly what's going to happen. (<-- heavy sarcasm)
Finally, relationships: In my last blog, I talked about masks, and how I have no idea who I am under all my masks, only that I am somewhere under there. I think that relationships are a continuation of that same idea. I put on a mask that I think that my parents will like, and call that "who I am when my parents are around". I put on that mask because I want them to like me. When I'm around the boy from work, the one I'm a little bit (okay, a lot) interested in, I put on another mask, one that I think he'll like, because I want him to like me. I play up some masks, and take other masks off, depending on who I'm with. And how does that help me to truly know who I am, underneath the masks? If anything, it makes it harder. If I was truly serious about my quest to understand identity, I'd run away to a mountain somewhere and try to isolate myself from all the things that make me want to wear a mask. But that ain't happening any time soon - I already paid $700 to live in residence at Carleton next year. XP
On a different note, but still about relationships: I read a blog post on the Ning today, and I don't remember whose it was or I'd link (maybe I'll come back and add the link to the end) but she was talking about how she didn't like what her friend said about relationships: that they provide stability. And I see where she's coming from - once you start viewing your partner as someone just to provide stability, you stop viewing him/her as a person. But relationships can provide stability. You work out a schedule that works together. For instance, if I were to date someone on the internet, I'd set up a time and day at least once a week when we could talk, just the two of us, and then structure my schedule around that. That provides stability. A certain amount of my time always goes to that other person, and I can count on that happening.
I don't know if any of what I just typed makes any sense. In fact, it probably doesn't. It's well past 10:00 pm, and I've had a long day, so I'm tired. I really oughta write these things in the afternoon when I still have energy!
DFTBA,
JR
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