Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Not happy.

Kyle, Bronwyn and Trevor are all sick. Trevor wasn't sick until today, so it wasn't him. Bronwyn or Kyle made me sick. I now have a raw throat and a flowing nose. Ugh. And food isn't appealing, nor is water. Ugh.

I really hope that it's just Bronwyn's cold, though. Kyle, purportedly, was four degrees away from having hallucinations. AND HE WAS STILL AT WORK!! It's no wonder I did all the work closing Whites two days ago. He's a crazy man. Because the shop boys "don't call in sick". That's silly, if you ask me. It's not as if they don't have enough guys to do all the work if one isn't there. And Kyle, I think, is the least important of the shop boys, because he's also the newest. But I really really hope that he's back tomorrow, because it'll be the last time I get to see him before he goes to school, and I really want to say goodbye. Because he's leaving this weekend, and I'm obviously not working.

And that's why I'm so mad that I'm sick. Andrea's wedding, then the head shave, and then it's the 24th, which is both the day that I'm leaving to go camping for five days, and also the one-year anniversary of Geoffrey's death. This is a pretty rocky time. Super exciting, but hard, too.

Because I keep on remembering the full-fledged panic I was in last year at this time. And I want to talk about it, but the only people I see are the people at work, and they don't understand. Because as much as it sucks and all, I don't want their sympathy, because it doesn't really hurt anymore. Maybe I'm just numb to the pain, but I don't hurt anymore. It's just a fact. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't even wish for him on falling stars or at 11:11 or on those seeds you're supposed to catch and wish on anymore. Because it doesn't hurt anymore. I've moved on. And I wouldn't go back to who I was before he died for any money or any other reward in the world. I like this new and improved me.

And now I'm going to go lie down for a bit, because I have to fold wedding bulletins later and I'm tired. And then, when I'm done, I'm taking Neo Citran to knock myself out, and going to sleep. Yay sleep! (Although, if I have more dreams like last night, it may be... more interesting than I care admit...)

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

I lack both the energy and the willpower to come up with something witty today.

Oh, wow. I got up this morning, a little confused (the Radish and Allison were both dead in my dream last night, and I spent most of the night dreaming I was crying) but feeling pretty good about the day. I didn't think that it would end in tears.

Let me explain.

As I'm sure all of you know, Geoffrey died last August. I have dedicated 11:11 every day, at least once, sometimes (if I see it) twice to thinking about him, because before he died, that was always my wish: that he would get better. And then, a long time after he died, I decided that my wish did come true - in a left-handed way. He's not suffering anymore, and no one could say he'd be better off here than in Heaven. But I realized, today, that that doesn't matter to me - I still want him here. And I know that's very selfish of me. But some days I just need to be selfish. And yeah, I know that you could say that I've spent the evening having a pity party, but some days I need that, too.

I watched So You Think You Can Dance. There was one dance, it was about breast cancer, and I bawled. And that's what made me cry.

Sometimes I'm so cheery that I even make myself sick.

I know this guy. I'm not going to say who he is, or where I know him from. I'd really like to be better friends with him, although I think that is going to be very hard - the environment I usually see him in is very... fierce. Any softness is mocked, and any genuine caring is scoffed. I am terrified of being made fun of, and this guy is sometimes seen as kind of... stupid, although I prefer to think of it as Artist's Syndrome - scatterbrained.

That in and of itself is not the issue. That's all background information. The issue is, every time I spend time with him, I leave thinking about Geoffrey. Like I can't be friends with another guy (the Cherd discluded, because I was already friends with him) without somehow letting Geoffrey down. But that's stupid, because (a) Geoffrey would never even think to try to limit who I can be friends with, (b) if anything, Geoffrey would want me to have more friends, and (c) there is no limit to how much love you can feel. It's not as though you're given one set amount of love for your lifetime, and when you start to love someone new, you have to love someone you already love less. It doesn't work that way. When you start to love someone new, your "love quota" grows.

But I need, somehow, to figure out who I am, and how I'm changed because I knew and lost Geoffrey before I can even think about even the immediate future. I'm trying to decide what I want to go to school for. I could do anything I liked. I have the brains, and I have the willpower (most days). So that doesn't help. I have to decide who I am, and what I want my personal life to look like before I can decide what I want to do with my education and my future career.

I don't like letting go like that. It may take me years to figure out who I am. I like being in control of who I am, and I like to know what I want from myself and others. But if it takes me years to figure out who I am by myself, then I'll wait that long before I try to figure out who I'll be when/if I find someone else to add to myself to make into two complete people. I have to learn to love myself before I can learn to love anyone new. Before I can love myself, I have to know who my "self" is.

I really don't know if any of that made any sense whatsoever. And I apologise for not blogging in so long (even though for anyone else, it wasn't that long at all). I've been really lazy when not at work, and even though that's not an excuse, it's all I've got.

Tomorrow, I shall hopefully be able to post a link to Allison's and my webcomic, For Shiro, on DeviantArt (it has to be tomorrow, because the first strip is not even planned out yet, let alone drawn). In the meantime, I hope y'all have a good evening, and a great tomorrow.

Thanks for being made of magic and awesome, y'all.

Jennie.Rae

Things that try to look like things often look more like things than things. - Granny Weatherwax

I've decided to title each of my posts with a witty aphorism. I like aphorisms, even if they don't mean anything at all.

I just got back from picking strawberries with my mother and my father. Strawberry picking used to be one of the highlights of my summer, but lately I've not liked it as much. Maybe it's because I work with them, or maybe it's just because I don't like them as much anymore. Or, maybe it's simply because they're farther away from me, now that I'm a whole lot bigger. And I don't like bending down that far. 'Cause I still love strawberries, even if I can't smell them. Like, ever. Stupid allergies and noses that don't work. Argh.

All in all, though, today was a good day. I finally found a pair of capris that fit, and that I like! And they're new denim, too! Usually I hate the feeling of new denim, so I buy jeans at the second hand store. But at Suzy Shier they had some that felt like they'd already been worn in, and it made me very happy. Because I hate new denim. Not that anyone cares.

I've decided that I'm not very good at blogging, because I don't ever talk about anything interesting. I mean, aphorisms, strawberry picking, and jeans. Who cares? Although, I guess, if you care enough to read this, then you obviously care about what I have to say. That sentence made not very much sense at all, but I still like it. I don't make very much sense, either, in a non-sensical, sensical way. Is sensical even a word?

So, Thursday is Geoffrey's birthday. I work all day. That's gonna suck. But hopefully it won't be too hard. Haha, that's a funny joke. He would have been sixteen - what better birthday is there? I mean, he'd be off for his G1 soon, he'd probably already have read the book, and be signed up for driver's ed, if I know him at all. Ick. I don't want to think about it. Because I'd counted on him being around for my sixteenth birthday. They gave him two months, and so he should have still been alive at the beginning of October. I guess that's what I'm still so bitter about. I was reading bits of my journal last night, and I read what I wrote on August 23rd. That was the day of the staff party last year. I remember it exactly. I was sitting on the edge of the wagon, the left side, and Kyle was sitting beside me.

"How's it going?" he asked me.

"Alright, all things considered." I stared out over the dark strawberry field, pitying myself.

"What d'you mean?"

"Remember the friend I told you about, who's in the hospital?"

"Yeah."

I didn't look at him, I just blurted it out, because I had to tell someone, someone who didn't know Geoffrey, because that was easier. "We got the test results. He's got a very aggressive type of cancer. They're giving him two months." He sort of patted my arm, and I don't remember how he ended the conversation, but I think he left quite soon after I said that. I tried not to cry. I was terrified.

And the next day, I worked all day. And then I came home, and Mom told me.

I wasn't scheduled to work for the rest of the week, which I suppose was an Act of God. When I did finally go back, Dave was driving me, Nathan and someone else, I don't remember who it was, to satellites. They were all complaining about how their lives sucked, and I just sat there and listened. I wasn't very talkative, at that point, yet. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I must have said it very loudly, because everyone fell silent and it was really awkward after.

"My friend just died on Sunday, so I don't think you should be complaining." No one said anything for a long time, and Dave just patted my arm, I guess he was trying to comfort me in some way.

And Nathan knew someone else who'd just died, and he thought maybe it was the same person. I assured him it was not. The other guy died about a week before Geoffrey did.

And where did that story come from?!?

DFTBA,

Jennie.Rae

Deep thoughts and insights (don't expect this to happen too often)

Today was a bit of a bust. I went shopping for a pair of black beach shorts, a pair of denim capris and a pair of khaki capris. (Wow, khaki is a hard word to type.) I bought a dress and a sweater. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!? This is not the way it goes sometimes, no, it is the way it always goes. This is how I shoppe. I need skirts, I buy pants. I need sweaters, I buy t-shirts. I need shorts, I buy dresses. ARGH!! So frustrating.

But, I did go to Wilson & Lee, which is possibly the bestest music store in existance. I bought harder Phantom of the Opera music, because I was sick of playing the easy stuff I had. I also bought a song called "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. It's pretty much the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time. I shall post the first verse, just because I don't feel like typing up the whole thing, but I want to share part of it. The first verse goes thus:

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance.

So, I've basically been denying God since August. And for ten months I've been unhappy and tired and lonely. I've been longing to feel God, but he hasn't been giving me what I wanted. I wanted Geoffrey back. But that's never going to happen. I have to believe. I've been hearing him calling out to me for a while now (and yeah, Kara, I guess you were right, even though I hate to admit it), and it's been all me trying to shut him out. I was angry, and I was hurt. But I guess that every relationship has those rocky bits. This has been mine with God. This year has been utter crap. Not only did I have to deal with losing Geoffrey, but I also had to deal with almost losing Crystal. Everyone says, "Wouldn't it be great if we could be the reason that someone didn't commit suicide?" And that's a noble thought, to be sure. But when you're actually in the situation, with one of your best friends, it's not so great. When your best friend tells you she's done, and wants out, and that if you weren't there she would have jumped off the bridge, you think, Why didn't I notice something earlier? Why didn't I see this coming? After all, I knew she was in and out of guidance all the time, and that the guidance counsellors took her to see doctors and everything. But when she told me that, my life stopped, and I focussed all my energy on keeping her life as live-able as possible. It was hard.

And I had my own difficulties on top of that - Geoffrey, first and foremost, but I wasn't exactly the cheery, bubbly girl I usually am, and I think that if I'd gone to see a doctor, they'd have put me on happy pills. I was afraid of being put on happy pills, so I faked like I was happy, and hated anyone who saw through it. And I pushed God away from me.

I'm not going to say that was a mistake. I needed time on my own, and just then I couldn't (and still and having a hard time with) talk(ing) to God. He was too big, too distant, and he couldn't love me, or else Geoffrey wouldn't be dead now. But maybe, just maybe, I need to talk things over with him.

So, if I end up getting rained out of the pick your own (PYO) tomorrow (which I probably will) God and I shall have a little chat. I shall tell you how it goes. I don't expect to get right back on track with where I was with God at the beginning of August, or anything, being best friends and all. But I think it's time to forgive and move on. I've learned my lesson, I've had my being ripped in two and put back together again in a very different way, and I think it's time that I tried to talk to God again. However, I've said this before, and it never amounted to anything.

I think, above all, I'm scared.

On a happier note, the PYO is now open, and so hopefully I'll be spending a good chunk of my summer there, and I shall be one happy camper. Except I shan't be a camper, because I can't afford to take time off to go camping. But I shall be happy, nonetheless.

DFTBA,

Jennie.Rae