Just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic... - Panic! at the Disco (Don't know the song title)

Still vaguely sick. Grr. It's mostly just allergies, though. It'd be great if I could actually sing, though. I still don't have my voice entirely back. I lost it last Saturday, between the wedding and the reception, and just got it mostly back on this past Saturday.

So, I just got back from Dairy Queen with Allison and Tim. It was awesome fun - I haven't seen Allison in like a week and a half, and I haven't seen Tim since July. So it was great fun! I heard lots of stories, from Tim's camp and Allison's ComicCon. Awesome.

Change of topic, because I don't really care to continue telling that story - just not interested right now.

Mister Mark is officially my favourite. Like, right now, he's got the top spot in my Top Five (sorry Neil, Sarah, Allison, Richard and John). He came into the market yesterday, after church with Debbie, his wife. And he gave me a book! A Max Lucado book - You Are Mine. It's one of the Wemmicks books. It's just a picture book, but it's amazing. I love it. And I love Mister Mark, too. He's kind of my real life hero. You know how everyone has, like, their celebrity hero, and then their real life hero? Yeah. My celebrity hero (actually, there's two) is John Green and Neil Gaiman. Neil has a made of awesome British accent, and John has made of awesome puff levels, and they both write beautifully and truthfully and made of awesomely. And Mister Mark just is made of awesome - it's quite obvious that he's the happiest man alive, and I want that. I want to learn everything I can from him. I just can't get over how made of awesome he is!!

(That wasn't supposed to be creepy or anything. But it's true.)

I read Paper Towns (which anagrams to Pants Power, isn't that awesome? I bet John did that on purpose). IT WAS SO GOOD!! And I've read Looking for Alaska three times now this summer. And I'm rubbing off on Crystal - she's turning into an avid reader! And I'm reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond, which is also pretty good. And Panic! at the Disco is my new favourite band, next to Superchic[k]. And with Nickelback and Hedley. Hoorah for favourites!!

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Not happy.

Kyle, Bronwyn and Trevor are all sick. Trevor wasn't sick until today, so it wasn't him. Bronwyn or Kyle made me sick. I now have a raw throat and a flowing nose. Ugh. And food isn't appealing, nor is water. Ugh.

I really hope that it's just Bronwyn's cold, though. Kyle, purportedly, was four degrees away from having hallucinations. AND HE WAS STILL AT WORK!! It's no wonder I did all the work closing Whites two days ago. He's a crazy man. Because the shop boys "don't call in sick". That's silly, if you ask me. It's not as if they don't have enough guys to do all the work if one isn't there. And Kyle, I think, is the least important of the shop boys, because he's also the newest. But I really really hope that he's back tomorrow, because it'll be the last time I get to see him before he goes to school, and I really want to say goodbye. Because he's leaving this weekend, and I'm obviously not working.

And that's why I'm so mad that I'm sick. Andrea's wedding, then the head shave, and then it's the 24th, which is both the day that I'm leaving to go camping for five days, and also the one-year anniversary of Geoffrey's death. This is a pretty rocky time. Super exciting, but hard, too.

Because I keep on remembering the full-fledged panic I was in last year at this time. And I want to talk about it, but the only people I see are the people at work, and they don't understand. Because as much as it sucks and all, I don't want their sympathy, because it doesn't really hurt anymore. Maybe I'm just numb to the pain, but I don't hurt anymore. It's just a fact. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't even wish for him on falling stars or at 11:11 or on those seeds you're supposed to catch and wish on anymore. Because it doesn't hurt anymore. I've moved on. And I wouldn't go back to who I was before he died for any money or any other reward in the world. I like this new and improved me.

And now I'm going to go lie down for a bit, because I have to fold wedding bulletins later and I'm tired. And then, when I'm done, I'm taking Neo Citran to knock myself out, and going to sleep. Yay sleep! (Although, if I have more dreams like last night, it may be... more interesting than I care admit...)

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. - William Shakespeare

Not a word of a lie - that's actually a Shakespeare quote. Don't know where it's from, but it is.

Last night was the meteor shower. I went outside at like 12:00, and I stayed until about 2:10. I must have seen 20 or 30 shooting stars! It was awesome. I just lay on the patio, and then later on the piece of shed that fell down, wrapped in two throw blankets and with a throw pillow, and watched the sky. It was so peaceful - that is why I love the night time. I really could be a dwarf, you know. I love hot things (like forges!) and darkness. I love making things (like smithing!), pretty things. But above all, I love the night time. I love it when your eyes adjust to the darkness, and the only colours you can see are blacks and greys and pinks. Lying on the patio in the middle of the night just felt right. It was like I always imagined, only I was all by myself. It felt like I was the only person in the world, and I didn't like that. I like to be with people, even if I don't want to talk to them. If it had been lighter (I know, I just said I liked the dark, and now I'm wishing it had been lighter?) I would have written, and then I wouldn't have felt so lonely, probably.

I guess it's best summed up by this anecdote: Kyle told me about the meteor shower, and said, "Sam and I bought a hammock." Sam is his girlfriend. And then I couldn't picture a better way to watch the meteor shower than wrapped up in a blanket, snuggling with someone you love in the hammock. And that's why it was lonely.

And today I'm going to actually be productive (because I've been working a lot lately, so I'm trying to keep that streak going, even if I have 'til Sunday off), so I'm going to go do that now.

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

Siblings who claim to always get along are most definitely hiding something. - Lemony Snicket

For Shiro is not finished yet, but will be up soon, I hope. Apparently I have no idea of what it takes to actually draw a webcomic strip. :S

I'm headed over to the Little Hair Shoppe in a few minutes, because Andrea's having a trial run for her wedding 'do and I'm going to look at pictures to see what I want to do. I'm really excited. And at some point, I have to buy fake nails (I'm afraid they're my only hope, because my nails are always so disgusting from work). I can't wait!!

I finished Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox two nights ago, and now I'm reading Tithe. Funny how they're both about faeries, only the Holly Black faeries are totally different than the Eoin Colfer fairies. But they make faeries cool, which they always were, but they make other people believe they're cool, too.

But now I guess I should head out, since I'm walking to the Little Hair Shoppe.

DFTBA
Jennie.Rae

Books are the ultimate Dumpees: put them down and they'll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they'll always love you back. - John Green

So, For Shiro starts today, actually. Allison and I are going to get together today, and I believe the plan is to start working on the first page. Hopefully we'll be able to post it to DeviantArt today, and I'll put the link up here.

It's nearly time to go to church, though, so I'd better go look like I'm ready. (I've been ready for about half an hour, but I'd better to make sure everyone knows it!)

DFTBA,

Jennie.Rae

Pee Ess, Neil Gaiman is officially made of magic and awesome and has a sexy English accent. If ever you're looking for a good read, read Stardust or Coraline or Anansi Boys etc.

I lack both the energy and the willpower to come up with something witty today.

Oh, wow. I got up this morning, a little confused (the Radish and Allison were both dead in my dream last night, and I spent most of the night dreaming I was crying) but feeling pretty good about the day. I didn't think that it would end in tears.

Let me explain.

As I'm sure all of you know, Geoffrey died last August. I have dedicated 11:11 every day, at least once, sometimes (if I see it) twice to thinking about him, because before he died, that was always my wish: that he would get better. And then, a long time after he died, I decided that my wish did come true - in a left-handed way. He's not suffering anymore, and no one could say he'd be better off here than in Heaven. But I realized, today, that that doesn't matter to me - I still want him here. And I know that's very selfish of me. But some days I just need to be selfish. And yeah, I know that you could say that I've spent the evening having a pity party, but some days I need that, too.

I watched So You Think You Can Dance. There was one dance, it was about breast cancer, and I bawled. And that's what made me cry.

Sometimes I'm so cheery that I even make myself sick.

I know this guy. I'm not going to say who he is, or where I know him from. I'd really like to be better friends with him, although I think that is going to be very hard - the environment I usually see him in is very... fierce. Any softness is mocked, and any genuine caring is scoffed. I am terrified of being made fun of, and this guy is sometimes seen as kind of... stupid, although I prefer to think of it as Artist's Syndrome - scatterbrained.

That in and of itself is not the issue. That's all background information. The issue is, every time I spend time with him, I leave thinking about Geoffrey. Like I can't be friends with another guy (the Cherd discluded, because I was already friends with him) without somehow letting Geoffrey down. But that's stupid, because (a) Geoffrey would never even think to try to limit who I can be friends with, (b) if anything, Geoffrey would want me to have more friends, and (c) there is no limit to how much love you can feel. It's not as though you're given one set amount of love for your lifetime, and when you start to love someone new, you have to love someone you already love less. It doesn't work that way. When you start to love someone new, your "love quota" grows.

But I need, somehow, to figure out who I am, and how I'm changed because I knew and lost Geoffrey before I can even think about even the immediate future. I'm trying to decide what I want to go to school for. I could do anything I liked. I have the brains, and I have the willpower (most days). So that doesn't help. I have to decide who I am, and what I want my personal life to look like before I can decide what I want to do with my education and my future career.

I don't like letting go like that. It may take me years to figure out who I am. I like being in control of who I am, and I like to know what I want from myself and others. But if it takes me years to figure out who I am by myself, then I'll wait that long before I try to figure out who I'll be when/if I find someone else to add to myself to make into two complete people. I have to learn to love myself before I can learn to love anyone new. Before I can love myself, I have to know who my "self" is.

I really don't know if any of that made any sense whatsoever. And I apologise for not blogging in so long (even though for anyone else, it wasn't that long at all). I've been really lazy when not at work, and even though that's not an excuse, it's all I've got.

Tomorrow, I shall hopefully be able to post a link to Allison's and my webcomic, For Shiro, on DeviantArt (it has to be tomorrow, because the first strip is not even planned out yet, let alone drawn). In the meantime, I hope y'all have a good evening, and a great tomorrow.

Thanks for being made of magic and awesome, y'all.

Jennie.Rae

WARNING!! Spoilers for John Green's Looking for Alaska. After my shameless plugging for his books in previous posts, don't read this one if you're

going to read the book.

To get started: I am frightened a little bit by how much I see myself in the character of Alaska Young. Maybe not so flirty, not so bad-ass, but in her mood swings, the way she talks, all of it. She just is like me. Or, maybe I see the person I could be. I could be, as the back of the book calls it, "gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed-up and utterly fascinating". Maybe I just want to be like her. (Maybe I couldn't pull of the gorgeous, I dunno.)

Pudge (or, Miles, I suppose) says that she had a strength that he didn't - that she found a way out of the "labyrinth", and that he was too scared to. I disagree wholeheartedly. I believe that Alaska lacked his courage. The courage to, through it all, just hold on. Speaking as someone who knows how hard it is just to stop breathing (I couldn't do it) I know the kind of courage it takes to just stick it out. My best friend (one of them) wanted to kill herself this year. I saw in her the kind of courage that no one could ever find anywhere else. Suicide is not, as some people see it, a brave act. It is selfish, and it is cowardly.

The back of the book has some discussion questions. One of them asks what do you think of the Great Perhaps, and what do you think of the "labyrinth". I think the only way out of the labyrinth is to find the Great Perhaps.

I'm still not sure if I believe in Heaven. I want to, because then I get to see Geoffrey again. And for a long time, that thought was the only thing that kept me clinging to God. But I want to be like that woman, proclaiming that a man should not love God for want of Heaven of fear of Hell, but because he is God. That is why I want to believe in God. Maybe Heaven is the Great Perhaps. Then again, maybe it's not. Maybe going to Oxford is my Great Perhaps. Maybe moving to Australia is the Cherd's Great Perhaps. Maybe Heaven was Geoffrey's Great Perhaps.

You'll never know if you've gotten to the Great Perhaps, if you've gotten out of the "labyrinth" until you get there, I suppose.

And now that I have to be at the Radish's in less than 12 hours, maybe I should at least make an attempt to sleep, even though I'm not in the least bit sleepy. Today has been a sit and read day. I read two provocative novels, and I think I need to think and unwind a bit more before I sleep. Who knows.

I go to seek the Great Perhaps (Francois Rabelais)

Jennie.Rae