Something I wrote a long time ago that I needed to move off of Facebook.

http://hayleyghoover.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-christians-can-believe-in-gay.html

This is what I believe. It's like Hayley went into my head, fished around for the more coherent of my thoughts, and put them on her blog, even before I realised I believed it.

There is still a part of me that says "Marriage is a sacred institution, it should only be between a man and a woman." That's mostly my upbringing and my own personal sexuality. Most of me says "Marriage is a sacred institution, and just like all of the sacred elements of my religion are not limited to heteronormative people, neither should marriage."

Let me say this: I am straight, and I am Christian. There are times (more often than I like to admit) when I question both of these claims, but that is a topic for another post. The point remains, you don't have to be gay and/or nonreligious to believe in gay rights.

There are a few things that I would like to add to Hayley's wonderful post:

First, in both Matthew and Luke, Jesus says: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Word for word, the same speech in Matthew and Luke (Matthew 7:3 and Luke 6:41). If homosexuality is indeed a sin, (which I don't believe it is) then so what? I lie. I cheat. I don't love others how I would want to be loved. I gossip and slander. Who am I, that I should judge any other sinner, let alone one whose sin is so ambiguous? Along the same lines is the "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7) story. Who am I to judge anyone?

Secondly, I am not God. I do not claim to be all-knowing, ever-present, etc. I am JR Urban, a seventeen year old girl living in Ottawa, Ontario. At this point, I doubt if I'll ever amount to much of anything. So how can I say who may love whom? Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Land the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (Matthew 22:37-39) All I can do is love my neighbour, who Jesus identifies as anyone I come across. I cannot judge, I can only love. Who am I to say who can be happy and who can't be happy?

Finally, it's not homosexuality that is the issue in most common Biblical aguments against LGBT rights. It's violent homosexual rape that is truly the issue. In Genesis 19, Lot takes into his house three angels, not realising that they are, in fact, angels. During the night, the men of Sodom came and said to Lot, "Where are th emen who came to you tonihgt? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." (Genesi 19:8) When Lot refuses, and offers them his two virgin daughters instead, they "kept bringing pressure on Lot and moved forward to break down the door." (Genesis 19:9b) Later in the chapter, Sodom is destroyed, not because of the homosexuality, but because of the violent tendancies and the profanity of the men and women who lived there. Genesis 19 is one of the most quoted passages when I argue homosexuality with other Christians, and it makes me wonder if people actually read the Bible or if they just listen to what their parents and Sunday-school teachers have taught them. For generations, this passage has been misread and misunderstood. Isn't this the sort of thing that Martin Luther wanted to change when he nailed his 95 Theses to the cathedral door? Isn't this the type of misunderstanding he hoped to avoid by translating the Bible into the vernacular?

Those are my thoughts. Please feel free to offer rebuttals. Please feel free to tell me I'm wrong. I look forward to those arguments, and I hope that I may defend myself in a respectful and well-researched manner.

individuality has been stripped from you in order that you be managed - Professor MacIsaac

I'm trying something new here, blogging about my vlogs. It's something Charlie (of charlieissocoollike fame) does, and I think it's a pretty good idea. We'll how it goes.

I wanted to go into a little bit more detail about my first class. One of the other things that my prof, Professor MacIsaac, said was, (and I quote) "All individuality has been stripped from you in order that you be managed." This is not okay. This is the fault of the beaurocracy, and this is how computers run our lives. I am a number, in both the Canadian and American school systems (because I took an American standardized test in the spring). I am compartmentalised into a number and a letter grade, in order that the people who are important (my superiors in the university, my future employers, all the way up to the government) can fully understand who I am. But this is not true! I am more than a number and a letter grade, and that is why I am taking this course. I'm basically taking a great books course, where we will study primary texts and try to understand the world as it is.

The difference between science now, and science before the Enlightenment in Europe, is that we now want to understand how the world works and how we can change it to better serve our desires, whereas before the Enlightenment, people wanted to understand how the world works in order that they might understand what it means to be human in this place we call home. That is why it didn't matter about things like nuclear fission etc. Science was no more practical than philosophy, and sometimes the lines between the two blurred.

And I'd really like to have lived then, even if, as a woman, I wouldn't have been allowed to participate in the excitement that was the new discoveries.

Secondly, I'd like to state: I am usually pretty good at directions, but I am totally lost on campus. I wouldn't even be able to find my classes without Alanna's help. But I'm really excited to be out on my own in Ottawa, and I'm sure I'll get better at finding my way around, soon.

And now, I am going to go be social, because there are two interesting people behind me who I am ignoring that I should talk to.

DFTBA,
jr

These are hard times. The world hurts. We live in fear and forget to walk with hope. But hope has not forgotten you. So ask it to dinner...

It's probably hungry, and would appreciate the invitation. - Libba Bray

I've been lost more times than I can count today. I tried, and failed, to find the library. I got lost trying to find the bus stop off campus. I almost got lost on the way to the grocery store, and I tried to go in the wrong door to my residence building.

It's hard to imagine that in a year or two I'll know this place like the back of my hand. Right now, everything looks the same. All the building are the same ugly '70s style. All the pathways look the same. The only reason I can find my building at all is because it's near (but not beside) the construction. Argh!

But I now know how to get to the grocery store which is also my bank, and that's important. Alanna and I are going to the bookstore tomorrow, and that'll be good. I know where that is - I bused past it this afternoon. We're getting up early to beat the crowds.

And then on Thursday, classes start! I'll be sure to post something about that then.

DFTBA
jr

Hello world! I'm gonna get you! - Lord Voldemort (A Very Potter Musical version)

Seriously, though, I thought it'd be different.

I was all excited about going away to university, and now here I am, at university, and all I can say is I'm bored out of my tree. I mean, classes don't start 'til Wednesady, I have no friends, and there's really only so much time you can spend on the internet and reading books. I went out to play beach volleyball today with my sister because I wanted to get out so bad.

I guess I shouldn't complain, though. The weather hasn't been great, so I explored the tunnels for a while last night. Once classes start then I'm sure I'll have more to do. I just thought I'd feel different when I moved away. I don't.

DFTBA
jr

Holy barking spiders - Scott Westerfeld

You know what I love? I love steampunk. If I could, I'd dress in steampunk costume every day. Unfortunately, for the next approximately 60 hours I live in a small town where that sort of shenanigans is neither tolerated nor possible.

For example: There is a small antique type store downtown. In the window right now is a gorgeous black dress that is just begging me to alter it slightly (it looks like it'd be way too big) and wear is around. It's hard to describe, but it's very steampunk, and with the addition of a bit of clockwork here and there, it could be the very beginning of my steampunk wardrobe. But it's sold. I would pay large amounts of money to buy that dress, and it's sold. I nearly cried when I saw the tag that said so.

However, on Saturday I'm moving to this nation's capital, and there maybe I can find/create some pwnawesome steampunk costumes. I still need to learn how to sew well, but that will come with time.

On a side note, this week marks a few important dates, and I'm sorry that I didn't post them earlier: yesterday was the launch of A Very Charming Vlog, my latest vlogging project. www.youtube.com/averycharmingvlog. Also, tomorrow is the launch of Rosethorn, a Harry Potter fanfic-type blog that I am sharing with my friend Eoin. I will probably post the first post in the morning. www.scorpiusnrose.blogspot.com, if you're interested.

That is all for today,
DFTBA
jr

It smells like rain and laughter and the unexpected - Libba Bray

http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l782c2YCEZ1qbl0ayo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1282102395&Signature=ndhKMfr7ISvEUsg5CgduG3vm6w4%3D

This secret bothers me. Not because the person loves John Green's books, or because they think that they are better than anyone else's. I tend to agree.

It bothers me, I guess, because it's the opposite reaction I had toward John's books. I read John's books, and they showed me how much more I can love books. Since I read Looking for Alaska, I have read and reread books at a faster rate than ever before in my life.

I guess what really bothers me most, is that reading a good book shouldn't make you afraid to read other books. Read a good book is just one step on the way to reading lots of good books, if that makes any sense. And yeah, not all books you read will be very good, and maybe you won't read another book you like as much as John's. But you should still look!

Being human is an excuse for just about everything, but it also kind of sucks in a way – Frank Portman

So, I'm sitting at my desk, watching YouTube videos (because I'm about two weeks behind) (yeah, that's right, I caught up about two weeks of videos in the last three days, and when you're subscribed to the amount of very verbose people that I am, that's quite a feat). For this post to make sense, I first should tell you the layout of my bedroom.

It's a very small bedroom. When you come in the door, my bed is about two feet to the left, and then at the other end of my bed is a little drawer thing, and that's about a foot wide, and it's sandwiched in beside my desk, which is right beside the wall. Right by my desk is my window, which is open (for some reason) and it's rather breezy outside my window today. On the right side of my bedroom is my bookshelf and my closet, both of which are quite full but will be quite empty soon.

The reason why I tell you this, is because my curtain keeps getting blown into my face, and then my shoulder gets cold, because the cool breeze blows right onto it. It's rather chilly outside today (it's only 24 degrees Celsius), and I'm wearing a strapless top right now. So it's quite problematic. But instead of standing up and a) closing my window or b) switching it so it's open on the other side, I just sit here and suffer.

And this is why I tell you this story: either I'm a masochist, or I'm ridiculously lazy, and I know I'm not a masochist. I could tell you that I'm totally engrossed in my video-watching, but that'd be a lie. I am actually rather bored - I meant to hang out with my parents today, but then they went out to see my grandparents and from there are going out for dinner, and I stayed home because I'm not invited to the dinner. So, we are left with the option that I am, in fact, ridiculously lazy.

I just thought you'd all like to know that. Since you're all in my head anyway, I can blog about whatever I want, and no one can critisize me for being a boring blogger. Which is probably why no one reads this.

DFTBA
JR

Breathing comes in pairs / except for twice / one begins and one’s goodbye – The Fray

Now I would like to rage against the world for a moment:

Until almost two years ago, I'd never really experienced death. I'd never had anyone close to me die. My Oma died just before I started high school, but that doesn't really count, because she had Altzheimer's, and wasn't really living anymore, anyway. Almost two years ago, Geoffrey died from cancer at fifteen. That was devastating, and I almost didn't get over it. I almost didn't make it through the first year, because of various crap. Geoffrey's death was the trigger, the tipping point, I guess.

In the last year, five of my classmates have died or been killed. I didn't know any of them, I don't think I'd ever talked to any of them, and I didn't even know most of their names. But it's still not fair!

My class has always been very different than any other class, even in elementary school. For the most part, we are intelligent people. Sure, there are stupid people, people who make poor decisions. But we are all people who can make a difference in the world - people who can succeed if we want to. We've mostly managed to rise above stupid drama, I think (or, I might just be really good at ignoring it). But five people in one year? And one of my good friends the year before that? How does death all of a sudden become part of life? I don't understand.

This is why I shaved my head - so that other people wouldn't have to go through the same thing that I did with Geoffrey. The most recent death, a girl named Taylor, was best friends with the girl whose locker was next to mine for our four years at high school, so I sort of knew who she was. Knowing that Sara now has to live on without her best friend breaks my heart, even if I don't know or like either of them. It's times like this that I feel like I'm not doing anything. Like shaving my head was a useless excerise. I know that a motorcycle accident is much different than cancer, but...I still feel that way.

And then I remember that the man in my church who flew out to Calgary to have surgery for cancer that had spread all over his body is home, and doing well, and I think that maybe I've helped after all. Maybe the seven thousand dollars that we raised last summer are helping Andy to keep his dad. Maybe.

DFTBA
jr

You are a splendid butterfly / it is your wings that make you beautiful – The Magnetic Fields

I got my G2 yesterday. That means that while there's still restrictions on me, I'm allowed to drive by myself and on highways, which is pretty super awesome. I went out driving last night with Allison and Richard, and I didn't kill anyone or hit anything or get hopelessly lost. :D This is good!

But this is also scary for me. Do you know how easy it'd be for me to get in the car and just drive away? If I trusted Darlene, my darling '89 Sunbird, a little more, I just might do that. As it stands, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, with good reason, so I'm staying put for now.

Don't think the temptation isn't there, though! I've been really restless lately, and by lately I mean for the last year and a half or so. I keep telling myself that I can leave my life behind, but I can't leave myself behind, and that helps a bit, but still I want to get away. How expensive is a plane ticket to Heathrow, after all? I have the money - my university fund - and I have the means to get to the airport, now. THIS IS NOT GOOD!!

Oh self-control. I never was much good at it.

DFTBA,
JR

And although I am weak, I am virtually unique, and I won’t be here for long – Tom Milsom

I've been thinking about boys and love and sex and relationships and how they change your or don't change you a lot lately. Maybe this is my teenage girl, hormone-ridden body thinking, rather than the rational, human part of my brain, but I think I've got some insights to share. Or just some questions to puzzle over together.

First: boyzzz. There are a few boys in particular that I've been thinking about quite a lot this summer. Two are boys from work, one is a boy who is fairly famous on YouTube and the last is a boy that I met recently on the Ning Chat (nerdfighter thing...if you're not a nerdfighter, I don't expect you to understand what that is, but suffice it to say, we met on the internet).

The two boys from work are brothers, and sometimes I hate the younger one - the one who is my age - and I usually figure he hates me. His older brother, on the other hand - may the record state that I've had a huge crush on him since we met four years ago. And now that he's single, I've been trying to decide if I want to persue a relationship with him, or if I just want to continue to admire him from afar. The problem is, the rest of the people we work with think he's rather dumb and not even that nice to be around. I think that he's really smart, if a little scatterbrained, and really fun. But there's always the question of his family... namely, two of his three brothers, whom I cannot stand. The older one creeps me out, and the younger one, as I've said, doesn't like me much.

Then there's the semi-famous boy. I wrote a novella, I guess it'd be, about his album, and then I sent it to him. Asked him to read it and critique it. And then I freaked out, because it's like I sent a piece of my soul to a complete stranger! That was about a week ago, and I haven't heard back from him, other than to say that he'd read it. And I feel like one of two things could happen: 1) we could become friends, and I'd fly out to meet him and we'd become epic best friends, or 2) he forgets to read it and I'm left hanging, but really no worse off than I started. I can't decide which I'd rather happen.

And, last but certainly not least, the boy from the Ning. I met him about a week ago, and maybe I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I feel like I've known him all my life. I don't know anything about his friends, his school, his interests, or really any of his real life. But of all the people I've met on the internet, I've told him my real name and talked to him the most. I'm currently writing a story for him, for no reason at all. Also, he's Scottish. Scottish accents are retardedly sexy. :D

I guess you could say that my mind has been bouncing back and forth this summer, trying to figure out how exactly I love all these boys (except the one I can't stand, of course). Because I do love them all, in one way or another. The YouTuber is HAWT! And he's a great musician. The boy from work is really nice, and also a great musician. I know him fairly well, now, and the only time we've fought was over whether the word "cool" is an adjective or an adverb. The boy from the Ning is frikken' intriguing.

As for sex: I stumbled upon a discussion on the Ning about virginity, and I've been trying to figure out what exactly I believe about virginity, especially mine. I've read a lot of different opinions, and a lot of them make a lot of sense. The easy, Christian answer that all my RealLife friends expect me to give is that virginity is something that should stay intact until your wedding night, and anything else is a sin. Sex is something that only happens between a married couple. And while I can see that that makes sense, and I believe that sex is sacred and should only be shared with one person, I also see sense in another argument. Say I've been with a boy for, say, a year and a half, we're committed to each other, and we both love each other. There is no reason to see that we won't get married, we're just not ready to do so yet, for whatever reason. Then, how is it horribly wrong to have sex? I don't mean that I'd go and plan a "perfect evening" to lose my virginity, but if it happens - so what?

These are, of course, merely theories. Owing to my slightly asexual nature, I'll probably not get the chance to put any of them to the test any time in the foreseeable future. For example: my boss figures that when I go away to university I'm going to become a raging alcoholic and a lesbian. Yes. I'm sure that's exactly what's going to happen. (<-- heavy sarcasm)

Finally, relationships: In my last blog, I talked about masks, and how I have no idea who I am under all my masks, only that I am somewhere under there. I think that relationships are a continuation of that same idea. I put on a mask that I think that my parents will like, and call that "who I am when my parents are around". I put on that mask because I want them to like me. When I'm around the boy from work, the one I'm a little bit (okay, a lot) interested in, I put on another mask, one that I think he'll like, because I want him to like me. I play up some masks, and take other masks off, depending on who I'm with. And how does that help me to truly know who I am, underneath the masks? If anything, it makes it harder. If I was truly serious about my quest to understand identity, I'd run away to a mountain somewhere and try to isolate myself from all the things that make me want to wear a mask. But that ain't happening any time soon - I already paid $700 to live in residence at Carleton next year. XP

On a different note, but still about relationships: I read a blog post on the Ning today, and I don't remember whose it was or I'd link (maybe I'll come back and add the link to the end) but she was talking about how she didn't like what her friend said about relationships: that they provide stability. And I see where she's coming from - once you start viewing your partner as someone just to provide stability, you stop viewing him/her as a person. But relationships can provide stability. You work out a schedule that works together. For instance, if I were to date someone on the internet, I'd set up a time and day at least once a week when we could talk, just the two of us, and then structure my schedule around that. That provides stability. A certain amount of my time always goes to that other person, and I can count on that happening.

I don't know if any of what I just typed makes any sense. In fact, it probably doesn't. It's well past 10:00 pm, and I've had a long day, so I'm tired. I really oughta write these things in the afternoon when I still have energy!

DFTBA,
JR

Ramblings from a Sunday Morning

I go by three or four names on the internet and otherwise. One is my real name, one is my pen name, one is the name of the character I role played for the better part of three years, and the last is a character that I wrote about back in grade eight. My email addresses are all some variation of these four names.

So, when I went to log into my gmail this morning, I forgot what my name was. I drew a blank - I couldn't remember the name my parents gave me almost eighteen years ago! Then I remembered, and I felt dumb.

But it got me thinking - what is a name? Is it a label, or is it just a title, or what? Am I somehow different since I started calling myself JR instead of Jennie Rae? Or since I adopted Jennie Rae as my pen name?

I went through a period where I wasn't sure if I could logically believe in the soul. Because basically, everything I am is a mask. Everything I am not is a mask. Everything I like to think is unique to me is just something I saw in someone else and wanted others to see in me. It is the combination of these masks that makes me truly unique. But underneath it all, I am, at the very least, a thinking thing. The same thinking thing I was eighteen years ago, and the same thinking thing I was eighteen seconds ago.

So does it matter if I call myself JR or Jennie Rae? Does it project a different mask? I think it does. It may be minimal, but I think that every mask, no matter how small, makes a difference in how we portray ourselves to the world.

DFTBA,
JR

PostScript: It was seven thirty when I started writing this. I don't usually see this time on a Sunday morning. Please excuse any "not-making-sense" bits.

When it comes to dancing, it doesn't matter what you look like - it's all about the joy you feel. - David Levithan

Dear Interwebs,

I feel I must apologise for my random absences. Life gets so busy, you know? And while I'll never forget you, sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and write about the things happening in my life.

Here's a brief update: I'm going to university. WHAT?

I'm going to join a new vlog, because the last one failed epicly. WHAT?

I'm part of two bands. WHAT?

Well, alright. I'm not totally happy about going to university, although I am glad to be getting out of this small town. Soon I'll be at Carleton University, and I'll be studying Humanities. Which is all fine and dandy, but I'd rather be out exploring and encountering the world than sitting in a dusty classroom discussing things I've never experienced. But I've already paid seven hundred dollars for my residence deposit, so I'm stuck.

Yeah, ONC was a bit of a let down. We weren't committed. I tried to keep everything together, but there's only so much you can do when you're working with six other people, all but one or two of whom are older than you. So we lay the Ontario Nerd Conglomeration to rest, and we start a new vlog. I'm not sure of many specifics, because I'm not actually organising it. I don't know what we're going to call the channel, I don't know about the launch date, or anything like that. I know that the girl organising it is called Heather, and my friend Molly is most likely going to join us. But beyond that, I know as much as you do.

David and the Hamlets is a project that I'm working on with Allison, Molly and Emily (three of my besties). We play shock music (Shakespeare rock!) although currently we only have one and a half songs. Only Molly is really good at writing songs, and there aren't really and shock songs out there yet. I feel like we're pioneers, like Chameleon Circuit with Trock, except that there was already trock music before the name trock was coined. Also, there's McCabestra and the Troubadors (a very tentative name), which happened by accident. It's currently me, my ukulele named George, Sarah, her guitar, and Richard. I don't know if anything will come of either of these bands, but hopefully soon we'll have something recorded and edited and posted on YouTube. I'll make sure I put something up on my channel and the Hamlets' channel when I know what's going on.

And apart from that and a strong desire to buy Alex Day's new album (but not having permission from the parents yet), nothing really is new.

DFTBA,
JR

Dear World

My name is Jennie Rae Urban. I am seventeen years old.

I did not go to prom on Friday, because I believe in avoiding drama and heartbreak at all costs. Maybe this is part of my problem.

I call myself a writer, but in point of fact, half the time I have no idea what to say and I hate it once I've written it.

At this moment, I am incredibly jealous of a friend of a friend whom I have never met, because she wore a bright orange dress to prom, and I saw pictures even though I didn't go.

I dream of a better tomorrow - where chickens can cross the street without their motives being questioned, and where my best school friend can find a girlfriend who won't break her heart every other week.

I'm pretty much all alone, but I'm okay with that now.

If I had my license, I might just get in my car and drive away - I wouldn't really care if I missed university or graduating from high school or anything.

If I died tonight, I would die a happy girl. Even if people can be unhappy and confused, and make me unhappy and confused, I would still be happy with my life.

Given the chance, I would not go back to how things used to be. I'm a bit of a fan of who I am compared with who I used to be, and I think that one the greatest things a girl can learn is just to move on and embrace the life she's been given.

I am straight, but I have had lots of girlfriends in the past. I'm pretty sure I broke up with all of them...

And you know what, world? There's nothing you can throw at me that will make me any less me. Because underneath all the masks and the all the layers, I am still the same "thinking thing" that I was at birth. I am, gloriously, me.

DFTBA,
Jennie Rae Urban.

So I'll play until the strings on my guitar give out... - Alex Day

I realised the other day that Alex is short for Alexander and Lex is short for Alexandra, so the two singers on Parrot Stories have almost the same name. Not that you care.

But I wanted to ask the general public (meaning all you losers who probably only exist in my head) why they chose to replace David Tennant with someone who looks like Robert Pattinson. Seriously. If they thought they'd get more veiwers, I hope that they're sadly mistaken. Dr Who is so nerdy that any Twihards are not going to be able to understand it.

(And as for my elongated haitus: I've been lost in Nerdfighteria. See www.youtube.com/OhhEnnCee and www.youtube.com/jennieraeurban for mor details)

JR