80 years alive and four eating food, five reading books and 57 with you, two eyes one nose one smile one life, it somehow isn't ever quite enough time

^^Hank Green, It All Makes Sense at the End.

I had a realization about myself today, while combating the tiny but ferocious chickens.

I can't wait to get old. That's not to say that I don't love life, and don't want to live every moment to the fullest extent, and that I'm not passionate about living. I do, and I am. But I found this song last night. Look it up on YouTube, because I can't get the URL to copy for some reason. It All Makes Sense at the End, Hank Green.

See, there's something that excites me about being able to look back on my life, and saying, "Damn that was a good time." I look forward to getting married and having kids. I look forward to getting a job, and hopefully doing what I love. But even if that doesn't happen, even if I end up doing something I hate, and I don't ever get married, and my sisters don't even have kids, so I don't get any little babies to play with, and all that, which would SUCK, I still can't want to look back on my life, and seeing why what happened, happened. I don't know if that makes sense.

I really want to get married, so that I can get so enmeshed in his life and in our life together that when I get old, I'll be like Oma and Opa. Oma complains that they barely even see each other, because they don't go out together or anything. But, whenever something happens to Opa, be it a cold or a flu or something worse, she goes mad. It's obvious that after fifty two years they've come to this place where there can be no exsistence with out the other. I truly believe that if one of them died, the other would be gone within six months. That, to me, is the epitome of a successful life and marriage. Even though they maybe had some really hard times - they didn't think my Opa would live to be fifty, because of his health. Yesterday was his seventy-sixth birthday. They had lots of troubles together, but they never stopped loving each other. What Hank says must be true: it does all make sense in the end. They can now look backwards, and say, "Maybe I don't understand why that happened, but it still makes sense. And I'm glad we went through it together."

That intrigues me. I know, I'm only seventeen. And I still have my whole life ahead of me. A life of happiness and heartache, a life of laughters and tears. A whole life. My mother always warns me not to wish my life away. I know that - and I really do enjoy almost every moment of my life. I sure treasure every moment, whether it's easy or hard. And sure, there's things I wish I could tell my younger self (I may just have to write a letter to her...) but that doesn't mean I'm not glad I went through everything I did. I already greatly enjoy looking back on my life. I so, I can't wait until I get old, and then I can reminisce with my old husband, and smile about the good things and chuckle about the stupid things and puzzle over the bad things.

NaNoWriMo starts in two days. I'm participating this year. The plan is to type it all on my typewriter, because otherwise it'll never all get done. I shall write about old people. I love old people. They have such good stories.

Man, it's so hard not to cheat! I want to start the story now, but I can't. 'Cause it's not November yet!

Your wrinkled eyes betray the joy with which you smile. - Mika Penniman, Stuck in the Middle

I just realized that I haven't posted since August.

That's not because I have nothing to say. It's just because I've been... busy. I guess. Right now I should be doing homework, but I just can't force myself to think about the Ballets Russes anymore, so I'm not doing it. I should also be doing history and philosophy readings (coincidence that we're talking about John Locke in both classes?) but I just can't bring myself to it.

My dad just got back from parent-teacher interviews. Once again, all my teachers have glowing reports about me. I guess they're all card-carrying members of my fan club. The only members, it sometimes seems. I know, I have lots of friends, and all, but in all honesty, I really only enjoy spending time with a few of them. I guess I'm like Pudge in Looking for Alaska - I'm friends with them because no one else will be, and no one else will be friends with me. But back on topic - Mrs Van Loon seems to think that I'm going into the UN or something and I'm going to single-handedly eradicate poverty, Mr Baker thinks I'm going to go on to become some great philosopher, Mrs Rodriguez thinks I'm going to study history and become a teacher or something. Miss Brouwer is the only one with a realistic veiw of my future - she thinks I'm going to do whatever the heck I want to do, and I'm going to excel at it. She, apparently, said that she's going to miss me next year, although I really don't know why she would. We hardly ever talk, and I'm super-shy in her class. She thinks that I push myself and that if everyone would push themselves like I do then the world would be full of much more fulfilled people. I only want to do well so I can keep my average above 85%, and preferably around a 90%.

Agh, but my head is spinning. I'm trying to figure out how what I'm learning in philosophy affects the way I live (so far I haven't come up with anything because it's all so ABSTRACT!). I'm trying to figure out what school to go to. I basically feel like I'm trying to figure out my whole life, at just barely seventeen. In less than a year, I'll be moved out, and moved in and settled into my new life - it's scary, but it's also really exciting.

This is definitely turning out to be one of the best years of my life.

DFTBA
Jennie.Rae

Just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic... - Panic! at the Disco (Don't know the song title)

Still vaguely sick. Grr. It's mostly just allergies, though. It'd be great if I could actually sing, though. I still don't have my voice entirely back. I lost it last Saturday, between the wedding and the reception, and just got it mostly back on this past Saturday.

So, I just got back from Dairy Queen with Allison and Tim. It was awesome fun - I haven't seen Allison in like a week and a half, and I haven't seen Tim since July. So it was great fun! I heard lots of stories, from Tim's camp and Allison's ComicCon. Awesome.

Change of topic, because I don't really care to continue telling that story - just not interested right now.

Mister Mark is officially my favourite. Like, right now, he's got the top spot in my Top Five (sorry Neil, Sarah, Allison, Richard and John). He came into the market yesterday, after church with Debbie, his wife. And he gave me a book! A Max Lucado book - You Are Mine. It's one of the Wemmicks books. It's just a picture book, but it's amazing. I love it. And I love Mister Mark, too. He's kind of my real life hero. You know how everyone has, like, their celebrity hero, and then their real life hero? Yeah. My celebrity hero (actually, there's two) is John Green and Neil Gaiman. Neil has a made of awesome British accent, and John has made of awesome puff levels, and they both write beautifully and truthfully and made of awesomely. And Mister Mark just is made of awesome - it's quite obvious that he's the happiest man alive, and I want that. I want to learn everything I can from him. I just can't get over how made of awesome he is!!

(That wasn't supposed to be creepy or anything. But it's true.)

I read Paper Towns (which anagrams to Pants Power, isn't that awesome? I bet John did that on purpose). IT WAS SO GOOD!! And I've read Looking for Alaska three times now this summer. And I'm rubbing off on Crystal - she's turning into an avid reader! And I'm reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond, which is also pretty good. And Panic! at the Disco is my new favourite band, next to Superchic[k]. And with Nickelback and Hedley. Hoorah for favourites!!

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Not happy.

Kyle, Bronwyn and Trevor are all sick. Trevor wasn't sick until today, so it wasn't him. Bronwyn or Kyle made me sick. I now have a raw throat and a flowing nose. Ugh. And food isn't appealing, nor is water. Ugh.

I really hope that it's just Bronwyn's cold, though. Kyle, purportedly, was four degrees away from having hallucinations. AND HE WAS STILL AT WORK!! It's no wonder I did all the work closing Whites two days ago. He's a crazy man. Because the shop boys "don't call in sick". That's silly, if you ask me. It's not as if they don't have enough guys to do all the work if one isn't there. And Kyle, I think, is the least important of the shop boys, because he's also the newest. But I really really hope that he's back tomorrow, because it'll be the last time I get to see him before he goes to school, and I really want to say goodbye. Because he's leaving this weekend, and I'm obviously not working.

And that's why I'm so mad that I'm sick. Andrea's wedding, then the head shave, and then it's the 24th, which is both the day that I'm leaving to go camping for five days, and also the one-year anniversary of Geoffrey's death. This is a pretty rocky time. Super exciting, but hard, too.

Because I keep on remembering the full-fledged panic I was in last year at this time. And I want to talk about it, but the only people I see are the people at work, and they don't understand. Because as much as it sucks and all, I don't want their sympathy, because it doesn't really hurt anymore. Maybe I'm just numb to the pain, but I don't hurt anymore. It's just a fact. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't even wish for him on falling stars or at 11:11 or on those seeds you're supposed to catch and wish on anymore. Because it doesn't hurt anymore. I've moved on. And I wouldn't go back to who I was before he died for any money or any other reward in the world. I like this new and improved me.

And now I'm going to go lie down for a bit, because I have to fold wedding bulletins later and I'm tired. And then, when I'm done, I'm taking Neo Citran to knock myself out, and going to sleep. Yay sleep! (Although, if I have more dreams like last night, it may be... more interesting than I care admit...)

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. - William Shakespeare

Not a word of a lie - that's actually a Shakespeare quote. Don't know where it's from, but it is.

Last night was the meteor shower. I went outside at like 12:00, and I stayed until about 2:10. I must have seen 20 or 30 shooting stars! It was awesome. I just lay on the patio, and then later on the piece of shed that fell down, wrapped in two throw blankets and with a throw pillow, and watched the sky. It was so peaceful - that is why I love the night time. I really could be a dwarf, you know. I love hot things (like forges!) and darkness. I love making things (like smithing!), pretty things. But above all, I love the night time. I love it when your eyes adjust to the darkness, and the only colours you can see are blacks and greys and pinks. Lying on the patio in the middle of the night just felt right. It was like I always imagined, only I was all by myself. It felt like I was the only person in the world, and I didn't like that. I like to be with people, even if I don't want to talk to them. If it had been lighter (I know, I just said I liked the dark, and now I'm wishing it had been lighter?) I would have written, and then I wouldn't have felt so lonely, probably.

I guess it's best summed up by this anecdote: Kyle told me about the meteor shower, and said, "Sam and I bought a hammock." Sam is his girlfriend. And then I couldn't picture a better way to watch the meteor shower than wrapped up in a blanket, snuggling with someone you love in the hammock. And that's why it was lonely.

And today I'm going to actually be productive (because I've been working a lot lately, so I'm trying to keep that streak going, even if I have 'til Sunday off), so I'm going to go do that now.

DFTBA,
Jennie.Rae

Siblings who claim to always get along are most definitely hiding something. - Lemony Snicket

For Shiro is not finished yet, but will be up soon, I hope. Apparently I have no idea of what it takes to actually draw a webcomic strip. :S

I'm headed over to the Little Hair Shoppe in a few minutes, because Andrea's having a trial run for her wedding 'do and I'm going to look at pictures to see what I want to do. I'm really excited. And at some point, I have to buy fake nails (I'm afraid they're my only hope, because my nails are always so disgusting from work). I can't wait!!

I finished Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox two nights ago, and now I'm reading Tithe. Funny how they're both about faeries, only the Holly Black faeries are totally different than the Eoin Colfer fairies. But they make faeries cool, which they always were, but they make other people believe they're cool, too.

But now I guess I should head out, since I'm walking to the Little Hair Shoppe.

DFTBA
Jennie.Rae

Books are the ultimate Dumpees: put them down and they'll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they'll always love you back. - John Green

So, For Shiro starts today, actually. Allison and I are going to get together today, and I believe the plan is to start working on the first page. Hopefully we'll be able to post it to DeviantArt today, and I'll put the link up here.

It's nearly time to go to church, though, so I'd better go look like I'm ready. (I've been ready for about half an hour, but I'd better to make sure everyone knows it!)

DFTBA,

Jennie.Rae

Pee Ess, Neil Gaiman is officially made of magic and awesome and has a sexy English accent. If ever you're looking for a good read, read Stardust or Coraline or Anansi Boys etc.